Can of Worms (Chocolate Covered Lie #8)

(The last one from those years ago. After this, everything will be new and recent in thought and process. Yet, still the same.)

When I was growing up, my parents always taught me that "Honesty is the best policy." When a person is being honest, they are telling someone how they feel about something. With being honest, there has to be some sort of personal investment into it. Therefore, when someone asked me to be honest, I would be as honest as possible. Meaning: I would give my full fledged perception of the situation. I would give what I felt, why I felt that way, and even give further support. The only time that I was not honest was when I lied (let's state the painfully obvious here). And lying is just a symptom of being human. The only time lying is inhuman is when a person becomes a pathological liar.

With that said, there is a particular moment that I remember that my honesty was asked, and like the gentleman I was (and still work hard to stay) I obliged. A few years back, I was hanging out with a good female friend of mine. She was getting dressed to go out with me to the movies. Working to put on an outfit, she was feeling a little dejected at how her body looked. In my mind, there was nothing wrong with her. She didn't have a pot belly. She was not over-weight in the least bit. However, like a lot of people in this nation AND world, she had issues of self-perception. Meaning: she would always find something wrong with herself, even if the way she was could be considered exceptional. With that said, she popped the question:

"M-Dot, am I fat?"

Now it is the time for me to see whether I can "say the right thing".

I commence to tell her that "Well, of course you aren't fat. If you are unhappy, maybe you can work out more."

Why did I just give her ammunition to be mad about nothing? I should have known that she was looking for something to gripe about. Instead of looking at my well placed intentions, she took offense to what I said. She found what I said to be a total insult. Unsurprisingly, she called her friend and told her that she was upset about what I said. She even made the situation worse by acting as if I owed her an apology.

It has been almost 4-5 years, and I still haven't apologized yet. And I never will.

This leads us to another fallacy that women love to govern themselves by. This fallacy is this:


men have a tendency to say the wrong things.

I totally disagree with this thought. In my eyes, PEOPLE have a tendency to say the wrong things. Yet, it has been given to the men as some prerequisite of expectation. Women never understand that if you expect someone to do something, they will eventually do it. The Law of Attraction (non-scientific) will suggest that whatever you think will come to life. It may not happen all of the time. However, it will happen in instances that you have plenty of control over. So, if you think a man will say the wrong thing, he eventually will. You are looking forward to it, so the universe will align with what you are expecting. And what you are expecting is madness.

Am I saying that men NEVER say the wrong thing? No. Men will say the wrong thing. And this is because of many different reasons/situations. First of all, there are times in which a male doesn't think his comment through. Some of the words may be a little ambiguous. Therefore, the man should have used more precise words in what he has to say. Another instance is that the man may be too emotionally involved and has one of those moments of saying things out of anger. This is something that will happen. The only a man can say is "Sorry, I messed up." Last, there are times in which they are caught up trying to be humorous. Yet, the humor is missed…or nonexistent. Therefore, another "Sorry, I messed up" should be in effect.

Saying all of this about men, I noticed that the same can be said about women. Women will say things out of anger even more. Why? Well, that is an uncomplicated thing to retort to. Women tend to me much more emotionally involved with situations. Plus, a lot of women use anger as an empowerment measure against the "opponent" and to also "mask the hurt." They may be hurt about a situation that is happening or something that has been said or perceived. What tends to arise is not the fact that the man actually said anything wrong (he may or may have not). What has to be taken into effect is that there are a lot of insecurities going on that have to be dealt with first.

And in many cases, insecurities drive our ambitions, actions, and thoughts.

This is especially true for Black women. If you are a black person in AMERICA, that means you have, at some point, dealt with some type of harsh drama/trauma. In most cases, these will stay with you for the rest of your life. It can range anywhere from the psychological effects of racism, discrimination, economic disparity, disease, inferiority complexes, self-hate, abuse, addiction (of all kinds, cause too much of anything can make you an addict), and many other things I have failed to mention. Contending with that, we as a people are expected to function as "regular people leading regular lives". However, by definition our lives have been irregular and most of our minds are scarred. With all that is given, you should applaud Black people for keeping some form of composure and work hard enough to say "the right thing" on occasion.

Sometimes, when people say "the wrong thing", that black vulnerability is exposed. And when it's exposed, it is not pretty.

So, do I have any real suggestions that can work for people? Absolutely. However, I am not sure if people will take time to realize that what I will say is a necessary. Black people, we need to find time to get therapy. There are so many things that plague us as a people. There have been so many things to contend with. Sure, we may have our physical health. However, mentally a lot of us are beat up, battered and bruised. Also, there is the mentality that seeking therapy means that "you are a nutcase". What seeking therapy means is that you need HELP with your issues. And there is nothing wrong with asking for help of any kind.

What if you can't seek therapy? Well, my suggestion is to find someone that you can confide in. It needs to be someone that gives good advice without trying to manipulate or dramatize your life. It needs to be a confidant that will give you the good and the bad, the top and bottom, the flowers and the dirt. We as a people need those that will guide us to feeling good when we do right and realizing we need to shape up when we have gone astray. We need to seek out some positive reinforcement of some kind from positive people that have been through what you been through and know where you want to go.

Next up, I think its time for me to tackle other issues that befalls both black men and black women of today. Life different mentalities, preferences, and quirks that cause nothing but more and more melodrama.

Until then, please think slowly, talk it out and check your anger. Sometimes, it may not even be that serious.

            'Nuff said.