Falling into the Friendzone: Chocolate Covered Lies Pt. 9

It was a regular day in my life as I sat and relaxed in front of my computer. I sat down to take the time to relax and do nothing. But, “doing nothing” does not involve doing nothing. “Doing nothing” involves tweeting on Twitter, posting up on Facebook, reading, listening to music, and writing down my thoughts. At one point during my day, I came across a video that had Steve Harvey in an interview. The interview was with CNN and he noted that he is “incapable of having female friends”. Also, he told the interviewer that “We remain your friends in hopes that one day there’ll be a crack in the door…a chink in the armor. Trust and believe that guy that you think is just your buddy: he will slide in that crack the moment he gets the opportunity ‘cause we are guys.”

And after that moment, I let out a significant sigh of disbelief. Then he doubles back with this statement: “I tell you what: all your male friends…just ask them in a friendly way “If I wanted to date you, would you be okay with that?” and watch the fireworks”.

Again, I was relegated to do nothing but sigh in disbelief.

I did not even know where to begin to even express the madness that such a point of view can actually cause. To reduce the male point of view to something as ordinarily simplistic and barbaric was more astounding than insulting. Even more shocking, there are people that actually agree with Steve Harvey. Many males do not believe that females and males can be friends. Many females also feel the same way, even though it may be at a lesser amount than males. Still, the madness that Steve Harvey mentioned is a common belief amongst many men and women.

Yet, I can’t totally blame them for believing the present chocolate covered lie: Men and women are incapable of true platonic friendship.

It is time to keep it real: males and females ARE capable of friendship on a plutonic level.

I deeply understand the formalities behind this chocolate covered lie because it is deeper than just a mere belief system. To truly understand this, we have to take a total cultural observation as to why people believe this.

To start, male/female relationships has always been minimalized (to say the least). Aristotle, the famous Greek philosopher, wrote on friendship at length in the Nicomachean Ethics. However, he excluded women from most of the discussion. Also, he stipulates that marriage is an unequal and flawed relationship that is comparable to the relationship between ruler and subject [1]. Many other scholars agreed as time when on. In de Amicitia, Cicero felt that honorable men had friendship and women weren’t ready nor good enough [2].  Michel de Montaigne, during the 16^th century,  noted "To tell the truth, the ordinary capacity of women is inadequate for that communion and fellowship which is the nurse of this sacred bond; nor does their soul seem firm enough to endure the strain of so tight and durable a knot" [3].

Therefore, it can be safely said that friendships between men and women has been historically disregarded and frowned upon. This was due purely to the idea that men were superior to women. Plus, if there was any relationship, it was to be romantic.  

The bigger issue is this: we are relegating ourselves to beliefs that don’t apply to our lives and don’t fully function within our society.

Women are not the same cultural/societal beings that they were before. In the past, women were focused on tending to the house, bearing children, and serving their husbands. However, roles have shifted. While there have been no genetic miracles to make men have babies (thank God), women are not relegated to be homebodies. Many women have jobs, may not have any children, and earn decent to impressive earnings. As a whole, women may not be on equal footing as men. Yet, it needs to be said that they do not play the same historical role. In the end, the past ideals towards women will not stand the time for today’s focused and enterprising female.

Historically, the chocolate covered lie is a waste. However, there is something else that needs to be discussed: sexual disposition. And when I mention sexual disposition, I mean the “When Harry Met Sally Syndrome” that is still prevalent in our society.

The “When Harry Met Sally Syndrome” refers to the movie When Harry Met Sally. In this movie, Harry does not believe that men can be friends with women because sex always gets in the way. Sally disagreed, of course. Although Harry held to this belief, he ended up still being friends with Sally to his own chagrin. The movie ends off with them becoming a couple. Thus, for many people the “When Harry Met Sally Syndrome” holds some merit when it comes to male/female relationships.

The oddest thing about not having male/female friendships is that it is counterproductive in romantic relationships. An easy reason for a romantic relationship to not work is because the male and female does not get along. The best way to have a lasting romance is to have someone that knows how to be your friend within it all. Be real: what type of romance are you going to have if sex and possible children is the only thing you have in common?  

Yet, for many people, there is a belief that still stands: men can’t befriend women because we are too busy trying to get into their panties.

There, I said it. And I’m not buying it.

First of all, a person needs to even realize whether or not that man even finds the female attractive. Second, it suggests that men are purely instinctive animals that lack any moral compass or self-control. While plenty of men are like this, ALL men are not. Think about it: if any man feels that a woman is put on this Earth purely for their carnal desires, than they need to have their heads reexamined. Plus, like the aforementioned info earlier, women are not the same downtrodden, house maids that they were of the past. In reality, men can be friends with women if they aren’t trying to have sex with them.

Now, if they are trying to get with you (seriously) then it makes things more difficult. Peep how I said “difficult”, not “impossible”.  

In truth, male/female friendships can actually be healthy for both parties involved. A woman can add perspectives for a man that they need to consider [4]. They can show a more sensitive side to someone’s thought process. At a flip of a coin, men can be great friends for females that may want to understand manliness and how we function [5]. Also, males can actually help females with their rational thinking. In other words, our differences and strengths can help power each other.

Now, the difficult part is getting past the “sex” part and just working at “being friends”. It can happen if the rules are laid out from the beginning. Whether that person (male or female) sticks around can help one realize that they either had ulterior motives or not. Also, one has to make sure that they are respectful to their friend of the opposite sex. Setting certain ground rules can always help with respect also. Effectively, if a friendship is approached as a friendship (with no ulterior motives) then it can work.

With a changing society, males and females have to realize that friendship can work between the sexes. However, understanding their roles and laying rules out on the table does help. Having male/female friendships are tricky due to the sex factor. Yet, that does not make them impossible. With understanding, respect, transparency, and honesty can ensure that male/female friendships remain rewarding and worthwhile.

‘Nuff said and ‘Nuff respect!

[1] http://www.slate.com/id/2268717/

[2] http://www.slate.com/id/2268717/

[3] http://www.slate.com/id/2268717/

[4] http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200109/can-men-and-women-be-friends

[5] http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200109/can-men-and-women-be-friends

The Old Ball and Chain: CCL #9 (I think...LOL!)

Living presently within my 30’s, I have seen some relationships come and go. Some have grown into wonderful unions of marital bliss. Others have evolved from love, to marriage, to an unevenly depressing divorce. And there are those relationships that don’t even make it past “we are just dating”. In turn, I have noticed that all relationships end either two ways: death or breakup.

Either or, there is going to be a death of something (relationship) or someone (significant other).

Some may wonder why I am taking a macabre approach to the situation. Well, for one, I just want to tell the truth. I don’t like to sugar coat anything. Let’s be real: Kool-Aid is still sugary water (sans coloring and flavoring). The second reason is that relationships and marriage tend to be given this moniker of being “held down”, “imprisonment”, or the “old ball and chain”. In reality, I relate to relationships ending from a horrid perspective because the being in one is looked at from a perspective of enslavement.

With that said, let’s go right into another chocolate covered lie that many love to follow:

Men do not want anything to do with a marriage based commitment.

It is time to keep it honest: no, this is not true. In reality, men WANT to be married. However, there is apprehension to making the wrong decision in picking their mate for a lifetime. Let us face the facts people: no one wants to be stuck with someone that they cannot stand. Better yet, no man wants to get married, have children, and end up divorced paying child support. Imagine yourself looking like Nas breaking up with Kelis. Do you have a vivid picture yet? Thank goodness.

Even if there are not even children involved, divorces can still be messy. Yet, there are plenty of men out there that want to be married. Now, it is time for us to get into some factoids.

Factoid number one:  A study of 5,200 people ages 21 to over 65 who weren't married, engaged or in a serious relationship, funded by Match.com, and carried out by an independent company, noted that men actually want to be married. It is starting to seem that men are searching for that stability in life [1]. Although many lavish for a player lifestyle, they eventually get tired of the games, drama, and hard work it takes.

Let us keep it honest: having a harem of women is always harder than dealing with just one female.

Factoid number two: marriage is a financial stabilizer (on average). Census data from 1970 and 2007 to compare U.S.-born married people ages 30-44 — ages when "typical adults have completed their education, gone to work and gotten married," the study says. The data show more women than men today have college degrees. In 1970, 64% of graduates were men and 36% were women; in 2007, 53.5% were women and 46.5% were men. Also, women's earnings grew 44% from 1970 to 2007, compared with 6% for men [2].

So, let’s get this straight: there are men out there that would actually like to be married. Also, men have a greater possibility of benefiting from a marriage financially. That does not mean that ALL men are looking for marriage and that men only marry for money. What this actually means is that there are those out there that have a desire to settle down. In addition, with the benefit of women excelling socially, marriage makes life easier for the male. With that said the idea for marriage is beneficial for a male in today’s western society.

Yet, the issue remains: why are so many people single? Why is marriage even considered an equivalent to “the ole ball and chain”? Why are people seeing a “union of God” looking at it as the ultimate “equivalent to Hebrew slavery with more sweat and less heat”?

There are two main reasons for a lot of singularity out there:

1.)    There are still many men and women that enjoy being single: Relationships are a lot of work. Considering the work one has to put in, many don't look forward to that type of union. Crazy as it may sounds, single life is a very attractive status for many. This especially works out for women. There is a newfound feeling of independence among the female population. With the switch of role reversals in the household (women earning more and doing even better), women are more entitled to have more options. Therefore, many women are opting out of being in a relationship and even starting a family. They would rather hang out with their homegirls, spend money shopping, go party whenever they feel like it and not be responsible to a husband or children. Also, there are men out there that want to enjoy their lives, be around their homeboys, and party all the time like an Eddie Murphy song.

2.)    Divorce, divorce, and more divorce: one out of two marriages end in divorce [3]. People are finding that if they are not happy in a marriage, they would rather break it off. Everyone can figure out the devastating effects of divorce. No need to go into that because I am reserving that for another blog entry. However, it can be said that divorce is so debilitating that many are avoiding marriage unless they are sure they are with the right person.

To all my women out there that are ready for marriage: find a worthwhile like minded male that feels the same way about marriage as you do. They are out there. Get your flashlight out during the day time and find him.

To all the men out there: many of you want to get married. You guys might as well admit it. If you do not, that is understandable. However, if you do then you need to find that one that is down for family reunions and rocking chairs.

                                                                                     

[1]http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2045876,00.html

[2] http://www.usatoday.com/life/lifestyle/2010-01-19-1Amarriage19_ST_N.htm

[3] http://marriage101.org/divorce-rates-in-america/

Can of Worms (Chocolate Covered Lie #8)

(The last one from those years ago. After this, everything will be new and recent in thought and process. Yet, still the same.)

When I was growing up, my parents always taught me that "Honesty is the best policy." When a person is being honest, they are telling someone how they feel about something. With being honest, there has to be some sort of personal investment into it. Therefore, when someone asked me to be honest, I would be as honest as possible. Meaning: I would give my full fledged perception of the situation. I would give what I felt, why I felt that way, and even give further support. The only time that I was not honest was when I lied (let's state the painfully obvious here). And lying is just a symptom of being human. The only time lying is inhuman is when a person becomes a pathological liar.

With that said, there is a particular moment that I remember that my honesty was asked, and like the gentleman I was (and still work hard to stay) I obliged. A few years back, I was hanging out with a good female friend of mine. She was getting dressed to go out with me to the movies. Working to put on an outfit, she was feeling a little dejected at how her body looked. In my mind, there was nothing wrong with her. She didn't have a pot belly. She was not over-weight in the least bit. However, like a lot of people in this nation AND world, she had issues of self-perception. Meaning: she would always find something wrong with herself, even if the way she was could be considered exceptional. With that said, she popped the question:

"M-Dot, am I fat?"

Now it is the time for me to see whether I can "say the right thing".

I commence to tell her that "Well, of course you aren't fat. If you are unhappy, maybe you can work out more."

Why did I just give her ammunition to be mad about nothing? I should have known that she was looking for something to gripe about. Instead of looking at my well placed intentions, she took offense to what I said. She found what I said to be a total insult. Unsurprisingly, she called her friend and told her that she was upset about what I said. She even made the situation worse by acting as if I owed her an apology.

It has been almost 4-5 years, and I still haven't apologized yet. And I never will.

This leads us to another fallacy that women love to govern themselves by. This fallacy is this:


men have a tendency to say the wrong things.

I totally disagree with this thought. In my eyes, PEOPLE have a tendency to say the wrong things. Yet, it has been given to the men as some prerequisite of expectation. Women never understand that if you expect someone to do something, they will eventually do it. The Law of Attraction (non-scientific) will suggest that whatever you think will come to life. It may not happen all of the time. However, it will happen in instances that you have plenty of control over. So, if you think a man will say the wrong thing, he eventually will. You are looking forward to it, so the universe will align with what you are expecting. And what you are expecting is madness.

Am I saying that men NEVER say the wrong thing? No. Men will say the wrong thing. And this is because of many different reasons/situations. First of all, there are times in which a male doesn't think his comment through. Some of the words may be a little ambiguous. Therefore, the man should have used more precise words in what he has to say. Another instance is that the man may be too emotionally involved and has one of those moments of saying things out of anger. This is something that will happen. The only a man can say is "Sorry, I messed up." Last, there are times in which they are caught up trying to be humorous. Yet, the humor is missed…or nonexistent. Therefore, another "Sorry, I messed up" should be in effect.

Saying all of this about men, I noticed that the same can be said about women. Women will say things out of anger even more. Why? Well, that is an uncomplicated thing to retort to. Women tend to me much more emotionally involved with situations. Plus, a lot of women use anger as an empowerment measure against the "opponent" and to also "mask the hurt." They may be hurt about a situation that is happening or something that has been said or perceived. What tends to arise is not the fact that the man actually said anything wrong (he may or may have not). What has to be taken into effect is that there are a lot of insecurities going on that have to be dealt with first.

And in many cases, insecurities drive our ambitions, actions, and thoughts.

This is especially true for Black women. If you are a black person in AMERICA, that means you have, at some point, dealt with some type of harsh drama/trauma. In most cases, these will stay with you for the rest of your life. It can range anywhere from the psychological effects of racism, discrimination, economic disparity, disease, inferiority complexes, self-hate, abuse, addiction (of all kinds, cause too much of anything can make you an addict), and many other things I have failed to mention. Contending with that, we as a people are expected to function as "regular people leading regular lives". However, by definition our lives have been irregular and most of our minds are scarred. With all that is given, you should applaud Black people for keeping some form of composure and work hard enough to say "the right thing" on occasion.

Sometimes, when people say "the wrong thing", that black vulnerability is exposed. And when it's exposed, it is not pretty.

So, do I have any real suggestions that can work for people? Absolutely. However, I am not sure if people will take time to realize that what I will say is a necessary. Black people, we need to find time to get therapy. There are so many things that plague us as a people. There have been so many things to contend with. Sure, we may have our physical health. However, mentally a lot of us are beat up, battered and bruised. Also, there is the mentality that seeking therapy means that "you are a nutcase". What seeking therapy means is that you need HELP with your issues. And there is nothing wrong with asking for help of any kind.

What if you can't seek therapy? Well, my suggestion is to find someone that you can confide in. It needs to be someone that gives good advice without trying to manipulate or dramatize your life. It needs to be a confidant that will give you the good and the bad, the top and bottom, the flowers and the dirt. We as a people need those that will guide us to feeling good when we do right and realizing we need to shape up when we have gone astray. We need to seek out some positive reinforcement of some kind from positive people that have been through what you been through and know where you want to go.

Next up, I think its time for me to tackle other issues that befalls both black men and black women of today. Life different mentalities, preferences, and quirks that cause nothing but more and more melodrama.

Until then, please think slowly, talk it out and check your anger. Sometimes, it may not even be that serious.

            'Nuff said.  

Monchhichis in Street Clothes (Chocolate Covered Lie #7)

(Another oldie but goodie from 2008.....read it and relate)

          If life has taught me anything, it has taught me to be authentic. When you are authentic, your motivation is to be as honest as possible. You try not to surprise anyone. You will rarely do things to impress people because you will already be impressive. Or, you just WON'T be impressive. There will be rare occasions in you changing who you are. Now, you may make some improvements. But, that is not called "changing", as it is called "evolving". Having some authenticity shows that you have the confidence, the structure, and even the happiness that is necessary. There may be moments of weakness, but eventually you will overcome. Authenticity, just like honesty, is really the best policy.

            This is why it pains me to see so many of men in society NOT being authentic. You have too many men that try to be people they are not. They want that attention that others have. They want the power that they see other men wield at a whim. They want the respect that others have worked very hard to have. Yet, they have never managed to earn that power, respect, or attention. So, instead of figuring out a way to be earners in this maddening trend of cultural underachieving and copying, they choose to be carbon copies of the next popular thing going on out here. And that popular thing right now? The thug.

            Yeah, I went there with it. There are too many thug wannabes. Period. Which leads us to our Chocolate Covered Lie:

In order to get respect, you have to be GANGSTA!

            This is a situation that concerns me because I am noticing that this is a cultural phenomenon. It is not just amongst black people. It spreads to all different nationalities and beliefs. From there, you have to deal with all the madness that comes from the backlash of this accepted mentality among some men. A lot of women become fed up with dealing with said men that are always "dogging them out" and "treating them bad". They tend to think that "all of the men are like this" and that there is nothing else out there for them. I realize that a major component of all the madness is the women's choices in men. Yet, it always interests me to see what is really going on.

            Now, I do understand those situations in which this may be a man's actual way of living and thinking. Whether it was by influence or by environment, he became the prototypical "thug". People fail to realize that a lot of the illegality behind the many things that they have done is for survival. It was to make sure they were taken care of. It was to make sure their families were taken care of. Some even planned on the situation being short term.

            I'm not talking about them, though. I'm talking about the wannabes. The wannabes that think they are thugs when they are soft and cuddly like Monchhichis (don't know what it is? Please google it. Or just look at the picture I made.)

           

The Attraction to Thug Passion

To make sure that there is pure coverage on what is going on, I chose to break down the reason why the women love these men:

a.)   Thugs are confident: Women pull towards the confidence that they have. In order to be so street oriented, you cannot be weak. And since weakness is seen as debilitating as the plague, they work to have none. So, no weakness and all confidence equals to the attraction of women.

b.)   Thugs tend to wild out: Women want that spark in life. They want that "adventure" and who is better to give it to them than a thug? Living dangerously will always be the things of memories. And memories are built on experiences. Some women tend to think that the thug is the ultimate of the experiences they can have (relationship wise, anyways).

c.)  Thugs are seen as ultimate manly men: With that said confidence and adventure, it is deemed these thugs to be the manliest of men. They have all the experiences and attitude that some women (well, a lot of women) really do want at this moment.

d.)  It's an accepted norm: Look at a lot of the rap stars out there. And you know people of ALL creeds and colors listen to hip hop. And within hip hop, the bad boy is popularized. The gaudy jewelry, unnecessary tattoos, outside foolery, and the whole aura is encompassing the music industry. So much that you have had stars that either associate themselves with bad boys or even make songs in reference to them (shout out to Beyonce and her "soldiers").

Monchhichis to Thugs

            From this point on, we see that there is an attraction for the "bad boys of the neighborhood". From a social standpoint to a relationship standpoint, they are desired. This situation leads us to the problems that we face:

a.)  An increase in thugged out males: Interesting thing, huh? Women like hoodlums. Women adore hoodlums. The common man knows this. They become the Monchhichi. Monchhichi sees, Monchhichi does. Sad reality of relations between man and woman, huh?

b.)  Situations of dissatisfaction: Okay, so let's say the women get with these type of men. All of a sudden, they become tired of the madness (which eventually happens) and want that man to change. Why? Well, between the run ins with the law, the fussing, fighting, and in some situations cheating and verbal/physical/emotional abuse, the woman becomes worn out. Worn out by the daily struggle. Worn out by his daily juggle. Worn out by those nights he's hitting the streets and she has no one to cuddle. Yeah, the appeal has lost its lost. As I say, all that glitter is not gold. Not even if they are gold teeth. Word to Lil' Jon.

c.)  Regular guys don't want anything to do with these women: You think these guys want to sit up here and deal with a woman that lives the thug life? Please. Most successful men don't have time for all of that madness. They want that "simple life" that some women found to be boring. Later on, they work hard to have it. They even work even harder to find someone that represents that. But they don't want to deal with the madness that the "Sheniquas" in the world bring. "Sheniqua" is used goods now. And unless you are at Salvation Army or Goodwill (or grandma's house), used goods are not attractive. They want the effort heavy, but equally rewarding situation that dating "Sally" brings. And "Sally" is specially priced at Macy's. Worth every penny.

Now that it is all said and done, it's all about what we want out of life. The men in the world have to understand that being a thug is ultimately a choice. Most guys that are thugs felt they didn't really have a choice. Also, it's not something for the weak and weary. Thug life is about survival, not picking up chicks to date. If a man feels that way, then maybe he needs to become something more authentic. If a woman does not like a man for whom he is, then move on to the next one. Its time for these wannabe G's to have some type of testicular fortitude about their lives. Have some confidence, yet leave the ego at home.

And stop watching those rap videos of chumps with rented jewelry making it rain in the club. Or you might end up like Adam "Pac-Mania" Jones.

'Nuff said.

Lego Men in a Box: Being One and the Same (Chocolate Covered Lie #6)

(This is another post from 2008. Still necessary, though)

I have eaten many places at many different times. Usually, I prefer to get chicken because of the fact that I don't eat beef or pork. Now, it can be said that a lot of times the chicken will be fried. However, there are certain places that I will eat chicken and certain places that I will avoid like the plague. Usually, a restaurant that is more, say, on the franchise side of things will be avoided highly. Your regular (fill in the blank) usually have food that is highly processed due to the fact that its "fast food". Therefore, it has to be made fast and in a hurry. You may catch me eating at a sit down restaurant because the food is prepared almost like it was a "home cooked meal". Now, I hope that when I go to a sit down restaurant I do expect the prices to be higher. If I do lower my standards and go with fast food, I need to expect that I won't be seeing a waiter/waitress.

 So, it is safe to say that all restaurants are NOT THE SAME.

 The whole purpose of this exercise was to quickly go through a discourse of making sure people see my next analogy, which is dealing with another Chocolate Covered Lie:

 ALL MEN ARE THE SAME

 This significant untruth is something that is going to plague men for the rest of our lives. Women tend to view men being created by the same type of machine that adds the same type of ingredients to bring about the same product. We will all have the same thoughts. We will all have the same habits. We will all treat women the same way. We will all have the same maturity levels. We will all be uniform in our inescapable conformity of our nature. Men should not even be called human beings anymore.

 We should be called Lego Men!

 That's right. I said it. We should have plastic arms; unchanging facial expressions, unbendable knees, circular parts for hands, and a neck that allows our heads to spin all the way around. To add to this, we should also come in a package deal with building blocks used to construct anything from spaceships to castles to even life size versions of the M and M candies. I am saying this because if women keep approaching men like they are the same thing each and every time, you are going to get the same result each and every time: you not having a man that is worth your time. And that is if he deals with you long enough to get over being annoyed by you putting him in a goof-ball category.

 This is where the problem starts. The problem ends up being a hindrance for any woman to find a worthwhile man. Contrary to popular belief, a lot of the issue with women isn't the fact that there is a lack of good men in the world. One noticeable issue is that a lot of men are grouped into one solid category: all the same. Let me elaborate on why "boxing in" men is only going to cause problems.

 When you "box something in", or give it a label that it probably cannot avoid, you are taking away from your ability to see its integrity of growth, evolution, and being surprising. You are making it predictable. Predictability is good for common situations with common factors. But not weighing all the factors in a situation? That right there is a cause for concern. And lack of concern will make you burn (in the long run).

Now, there are commonalities amongst men, do not get me wrong. Men tend not to be sensitive as women. Men may think about sex more often than women (on the average). Men may tend not to be empathetic and trying to connect with emotions. All that is true. But that is dealing with the COMMON NATURE of man. So, that is allowed. However, there are a lot of situations in which women want to perpetrate that all men are a certain way because: that is what they want to believe, or those are the situations that they get themselves into. Let me explain even more.

 When a woman believes what she wants to believe; it will be hard to make her think otherwise. Therefore, if you think ALL men are going to be a certain way, then guess what? They pretty much are going to be just that. It is a thing called "perception" that humans tend to forget about. You SEE things as you want to see them sometimes. However, when does one take back to consider if they are not on the right track? Just because it's a perception does not always make it concrete. It can be fallible too.

 Now, here is the kicker: alot of women bring it on themselves. Alot of women keep going for the same guys. OR, they could be putting themselves in similar situations with men. Let me give you a qualifying example:

A wonderful young lady gets to meet a man that is pretty cool, but is really immature. She feels a strong sexual attraction after the first date. This may not be very common place for her, but hell...she goes for it anyway. They get to know each other better (in the biblical sense) and now they have a relationship. However, she may feel he is a "boyfriend". The man feels differently. He may feel its a "fuck thing".

So, they break off.

Time goes on, and this same young lady meets another guy. This guy is a pure gentleman. Again, she is feeling his whole vibe (swagger for you cliche people) and decides (against better judgment) to have SEX again. AGAIN, she feels that there is a relationship there. He feels that it is sex.

Do you see what I am getting at?

Think about it like this: would it make sense to keep eating at a place that made you sick? No, because that would not  make a lot of sense would it? Yet, a lot of women either: a.) pick the same type of men or b.) Do the same thing to all men. You have to understand that the same actions tend to get the same reaction. If you want such a different situation to happen for you, adjustments must be made.

Trust me, perception is a tricky situation. No rabbits come out of the hat of perception except for generalities and misguidance. So, if all the men that you deal with are not that good, OR if you keep doing the same routine thing, then you are picking the wrong brand of men. Or you are manipulating the situation for an adverse outcome.

 All men are not the same. Sometimes, it's just the situations that they are approach with, the perceptions they deal with, or the fact that some women pick the same type on a consistent basis. And leave the legos to the kids. They enjoy that stuff.

 'Nuff said.

Drink the Kool-Aid! Fantasy vs. Reality (Chocolate Covered Lie #5)

Kool-Aid was, and still is, a very popular drink. Many people love to drink it because of its worthwhile flavors and the ease of making it. Created by Edwin Perkins back in Hastings, Nebraska, it grew from becoming a small town drink of choice to a worldwide phenomenon in the flavored drink industry. It is such a commonality at this moment that Kool-Aid is what we would call a "genericized trademark". This means that every related product is usually referred to as "kool-aid" (like Kleenex, Q-Tips, and Frisbees). Personally, I prefer the flavors of Fruit Punch or Cherry (even though us urban people just call it "red"). 

There is a reference phrase that goes as "drink the Kool-Aid", using the product in a non-literal form. It is derived from the 1978 cult suicide in Jonestown, Guyana. Jim Jones, whom was the leader of a cult named The Peoples Temple, convinced them to move to Jonestown. Late in the year, he then ordered his flock to commit suicide by drinking grape-flavored Flavor-Aid laced with potassium cyanide. A large majority of the 913 people were later found dead. These people drank the brew. This situation is now commonly called the "Jonestown Massacre".

Then again, there is another total meaning for "drunk the Kool-Aid".  It also refers to being a sturdy or ardent believer in a philosophy, mission, belief system, or what have you. This dedication can even become blinding and unrealistic. 

Which leads me into Chocolate Lie Number Five:

Women/Men Will Find the Perfect, Flawless Person in Life for Them 

Why did I use the reference of "drink the Kool-Aid"? Well, to put it in perspective, we all have done it frequently, in a proverbial sense. We, as a people, have all looked for our perspective partners to fit a certain profile. We have all had beliefs that the people we look for are going to be a certain way, act a certain way, and think a certain way. We all have viewed our perspective partners to have certain aspects that we find in the "perfect" mate. So many women want that "knight in shining armor". So many men want that "princess that they can royally sweep off of their feet".  We have all "drunk the Kool-Aid" in order to find the person that will fulfill our needs, or wants disguised as needs. It all depends on how you play out your situation.

I guess it’s time for my initial breakdown of what I am trying to get at and what I am trying to have people see:

Physical features: As some may know, men and women do have their physical preferences. Some men want their women to be thick. Others want them to be thin. There are a percentage of men who like their women on the bigger side of things. Some men really care about whether or not their women are a "dime piece" model chick that you would hope to imagine from some movie or music video. Others could care less about it as long as she is presentable, clean, and takes care of herself. On the flip side of the coin, women can really be particular about things. From height requirements, athletic ability/body structure, to even the amount of hair a man has, women also have their requirements. 

Status: Status is a big thing for both men and women. Not only is status a deal maker, it can also be a deal breaker. What I mean by status is the two E's: education and earning potential. Now, there are some that are not too hung up on the two E's. However, with education, a mate will feel the need to use that to determine if they would want to deal with someone. They may feel that their mate has to have at least some type of college education because they may possess that also. Others may want that level just to make sure that their mate has their head on straight (whatever that means).

Personality: This is a difficult one to really get into. Personality, sometimes, can be more so towards what a person can deal with rather than what they want. I guess you can say it has to do with compatibility. However, different people can handle different personalities if they so needed to do so. Now, do not get me twisted in your understanding of my logic. SOME personality types DO NOT need to even intermingle (more on that in another CCL installment). Alas, sometimes we are more prone to deal with what we WANT rather than what we NEED TO AVOID.

That is the whole thing about the perspective of "drinking the Kool-Aid". When you drink Kool-Aid, don't you usually pick out the flavor that you want? Seriously, there are some people that love fruit punch, but cannot stand grape. Others want some type of blueberry, but do not deal with orange. Some will deal with all types except lemon-lime. Then there are others that like them because…hell, they are Kool-Aid: flavored sugar water that is good at great taste, cavities, and a sugar high.

Some wonder where all these expectations come from? Well, to be pretty clear they start at childhood. Yes, people, it all started when you were a kid. It's not that amazing of a concept, really. When you were a child, you were reared with expectations and predictions of what other people would be like or treat you like. YOUR PARENTS (good, bad, or indifferent) has helped manipulate the social interactions that you have with people. It was either a lot of what they did or what they did not do. In order to get those good feelings and situations from your parents, you would do things for them to happen. Therefore, you made an equation within your head: 

DO WHAT MY PARENTS WANT+ BEING GOOD ABOUT IT= GETTING WHAT I WANT 

Now, this is a good approach for a child, but there is a time in which you enter into adulthood. In dealing with other relationships, those people may have a different upbringing, understanding, or even a culture. From there, it is easy to see the difficulties within relationships. Right at the beginning, you are going to have to mesh beliefs, disregard attitudes, or even make certain changes and improvements for yourself, your mate, and even your kids. The old said equation that I stated above may not even work for every case. These people are not your parents, nor are they trying to be. 

Instead of manipulating situations into what we want them to be, we may need to work on ourselves. It is true that you may have preferences and such, but are we even meeting other's preferences? We seek perfection out of others, but are we perfect ourselves? We want people to appease us when it comes to certain things, but do we appease people? Do we put in the effort that we expect others to put in? If you do put in that effort, then I applaud you. If not, then maybe you, as a person reading this, should work on yourself first. Then try and get the other person together. That way, you can mitigate argument, tension, strife, and all the other things that happen in relationships.

So, stop drinking the Kool-Aid! Unless you are at a family barbeque, of course.

 'Nuff Said!

Adam and Eve or Adam and Steve: Chocolate Covered Lie #4

Note: This was created in May of 2008. However, since this is a newly edited blog, I want to post all of my past work. Enjoy!

The world is built around secrecy. Secrets are the unknown information that can either make or break any situation. As a kid, you kept secrets out of shame, surprise, anxiety, or for the sake of mitigating issues. As an adult, you keep secrets out of shame (again), surprise (as usual), or for the sake of mitigating issues (wow….more things change, the more they stay the same). Yet, the most interesting thing about secrets is this: very few last for too long. For the most part, more and more issues are becoming documented news. For whatever reason, the "cat is let out of the bag". This leads to the next Chocolate Covered Lie (number 4):

If A Man Does Cheat, He Is Actually With Another Woman.

            As shocking and as appalling as many may feel about this, there are situations when a man will cheat, but not with another woman. No, some of these men (far too many for the sake of marital bliss and family structure) are messing around on their wives, girlfriends, or significant others for OTHER MEN. These men will come home, making everything look as beautiful as can be. I know this may not be true for all, but it's true for some. A lot of these men will build fruitful relationships that are worthwhile and healthy. They may have the nice house. They may have the beautiful children. They may have the job with benefits and opportunities for upward mobility in the ranks. They may have everything that is needed for "that house on the hill and the white picket fence." Yet, on their downtime, these men will get down "on the downlow."

I don't know for you, but for me this is earth shaking, if not earth shattering.

            First of all, let us get into the issues it will cause within the family structure. For one, if the news gets out that the man is getting down with another man, how will this make the woman feel? Well, I can give you some emotions and feelings to go by: hurt, ashamed, betrayed, depressed, scared and confused. If I miss any emotions then I do apologize. However, these women will be hurt by the fact that their man is messing around on them behind their backs with another M-A-N. If messing with another woman is bad enough, getting with a man can be a little unnerving to say the least. They will feel betrayed by the fact that THEIR man is doing something that is, in their eyes, more inconceivable than being with another woman. It will make a lot of these women think "What the hell was the point of being with me anyway if you are on a penis hunt?" Then, in comes the depression. Some women may look at it as "Hey, that fool was gay anyway." Others, however, will question their womanhood and the strength of their abilities of being a pleasing partner. They may even go as far as think that they have "drove their man to being gay". Now, the scary part is this: these women have to wonder about what possible diseases that they may have contracted. This would be true for him messing with a woman. But, with the stigma that is left for people to believe about gays and HIV (plus the statistics that actually follow), this is double the fear, double the horror. After all the confusion that is going on, the woman can become more likely depressed.

I think I ran through the gamut of emotions that I feel women will go through.

So, what about the possible family that is left in the aftermath? What about the kids? Well, to tell you the truth, here comes the anger, resentment, and even more confusion. These children will feel angry that their father is doing something to their mother that they fully do not understand. And, if by chance they do understand it, then why in the hell did this man go through the motions and waste their time anyways? Why put them through all these changes if you were not going to be with the woman they believed that you would be with forever? From there comes the resentment. These children will resent you for breaking up their happy family, even if it wasn't that happy in the first place. After it's all said and done, they will become confused. Some will question whether or not they caused the rift. Sad part about that is it probably has nothing to do with them. Others may even become scared about their relationships with future mates. And there is even that fraction that will (heaven forbid) question their sexualities when there may not even be anything to question.

As you may notice, this is becoming a big mess, and I haven't even covered the health concerns.

            With these types of activities (hetero or homo sexual), comes the health concerns. For those that do not know, black women are being diagnosed with HIV at a rate 20 times that of white women. In fact, let me break down even more facts about this situation:

--In 2002, African Americans accounted for more than half of new HIV cases reported in the United States, though they are only 13 percent of the population.
-- In 2003, African American men accounted for 44 percent of new AIDS cases among all men.
-- In 2003, African American women accounted for two-thirds of new AIDS cases among all women. White women accounted for 15 percent and Latinas 16 percent.
-- The rate of HIV and AIDS was 58.2 cases per 100,000 black women, and only 2.9 per 100,000 white women. The rate for Latinas was 8.1 per 100,000. [1]
-- The leading cause of HIV infection among African American women in 2002 was heterosexual contact, followed by injection drug use, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) now have to give out different studies to see how many white, black, Asian and Latino men fit the down-low profile. They want to identify how, if at all, being on the down low differs from being "in the closet," and they want to determine whether down-low men have a role in infecting women with HIV. Very little is actually known about this "phenomena" of the "down low male". There is a chance that they will question Whites, Latinos, and other races besides Blacks. However, from what studies say, ours is the only one on a steady rise. Therefore, the CDC will concentrate on Blacks first and foremost.

Sigh.

          Ironically, a lot of these men do not consider their actions bisexual or gay. Oddly enough, the gay community does not take to these men totally. Well, maybe enough to let them get their rocks off, but not enough to embrace them. In fact, I cannot help but applaud the gay community for doing this. If you are gay/bisexual, then that is what you need to be. Leading on and doing things you have NO business doing in any respect for your own sexuality (in this case) is only offensive and repulsive. Having the nerve to try to lead a double life in this nature is not only unfair to others; it is disrespectful and practically insane.

            In the end, there are no studies that directly link these activities to the HIV/AIDS epidemic. I am not trying to point any blame on who is causing what, how, or why. However, what I can say is this: this situation is not helping either. This whole debacle is leaving people in the dark. Now there has to be studies to make sure that this "phenomena" is not something that is causing some damage to the African American community. Well, more so to see HOW MUCH damage it is probably causing.

 In totality, this situation is horrible. All this situation is doing is causing a lot of unnecessary confusion. If, as a man, you are gay then you need to be gay. If you are bisexual, be bisexual. Do what you do. However, when you lead a double life, it's not fair to you or others around you.

 Nuff said on this topic. Double lives tend to sicken me to my stomach.