“Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy -- in fact, they're almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other. Both at once can produce unbearable turmoil.”
Robert Heinlien, American science fiction writer
I have never, during my adult life, understood the purpose of jealousy. Yes, there has been a case in which I was jealous of someone when I was younger. Then again, I was 13, impressionable, and had the styling of Ed Grimley. Growing older, it became more of a crutch. More than anything, I started erasing any reasoning or emotional attachment that leads to becoming jealous. I understand that it happens. However, I grew tired of even trying to make myself care about situations that are out of my control. Thus, jealousy lost its place in my relationships when I mitigated the reasons it exists.
The biggest issue with this is many others disagree with me. There are those that feel jealousy is a form of someone actually caring. For example, a person may feel covertly complimented when their partner is mildly jealous. And catching someone flirting with their beloved can spark the kind of lust and romance that reignites a relationship [1]. With that said, there are moments that jealousy can actually HELP a relationship.
However, this is only a minute situation of jealousy. Full blown jealousy can be much worse. And the worst case scenario(s) is the cause for the next chocolate covered lie: Jealousy is either helpful or a necessity in a relationship.
Let us not get confused here: jealousy is a natural occurrence in some animals. Primatologist Jane Goodall and evolutionary biologist David Barash witnessed this amongst primates and bluebirds respectively [2]. Goodall paid attention to a female chimp “flirting” with a male chimp. When the male ignored her for another female, the female chimp attacked the male. With Barash, he planted a dummy bird where the female perched. When the male saw it, he hovered and pecked at it and pulled a few feathers from its female companion [3]. Thus, it is safe to say that evolution has not affected the possibility of jealousy’s existence.
However, humans have this thing called “free will”. All of our actions are not based on instinct. While it is natural for this emotion to occur, it still does not make it acceptable. Now, let us carry on.
What makes jealousy so unappealing is the emotion is based on insecurities. These insecurities are involved with the fact that one person is afraid of losing their mate to someone else. They feel that there is some sort of “competition” for their mate’s affections. Eventually, one person becomes mad, thinking that their mate is involved with someone else behind their back. Therefore, a person’s insecurities will manifest into jealousy because they would rather focus on all the fun they think their mate is having with someone else than being focused on relationship growth.
What I hope my good readers out there noticed is that I mentioned “the fun they think” their mate is having. It is jealousy. Meaning: all of the scenarios that you think are taking place are not happening. IF they were happening, it would not be called jealousy. Rather it would be called “disrespect” or “toying with someone’s affection and feelings”. Those are NOT the same thing as jealousy.
Are we clear on this? Cool. I have to make sure of things sometimes.
Yet, people tend to forget that jealousy can become dangerous. Pathologically jealous people seek to control their partners because they means an individual believes they feel they have exclusive ownership over another and that this ownership is necessary for them to maintain the relationship [4]. You are not only their partner, but you are THEIR PROPERTY that they own. Inclusively, a person that think that they “own” someone will “make claims” of their property, objectifying the person they think they “own”. This can cause many psychological and sexual scars in the female psyche. In addition, this can be troubling for women in particular because statistically the most obscene homicidal and suicidal effects of IPV (intimate partner violence) generally occur from pathologically jealous men against female partners [5]. Thus, extreme bouts of jealousy (the pathological kind) can hurt and kill.
Still think jealousy is that helpful to a relationship? Now, let us carry on some more.
Even more damaging is the possible harm it can do to the person that is actually being jealous. Steven Most, a cognitive psychologist, and Jean-Philippe Laurenceau, a specialist in social relationships, conducted two experiments involving a total of 52 romantically involved couples on the campus of The University of Delaware [6]. Their work was used to see if any participants experienced “emotionally based blindness”. Their research shows that women who admitted they were jealous when their guy ogled photos of other women (presumably female students at the university who were "accessible") couldn't concentrate on a basic computer task well enough to recognize simple images that flashed quickly across the monitor [7]. Consequently, feelings of jealousy can disrupt a person to the point where they can’t function properly.
Is there some hope for people that have bouts with jealousy? Absolutely.
There are some key steps in helping yourself with jealous feelings:
1.) Communication, communication, communication: Communicating with one’s partner can help both parties understand what is going on. Also, it can either help confirm one’s suspicions or find relief that it was all in one’s head.
2.) Self awareness: One should think about what is causing these feelings. Once they know that it all may be fabricated, then they need to see whether or not their partner is trustworthy OR is it that their own insecurities are causing unnecessary issues. Let’s face it: one cannot be mad at their partner when the cause for concern is that one has more issues than Jet magazine.
3.) Shift the point of view: One should think about the situation from the other person’s perspective. They may learn something about themselves. Or, they could learn more about their partner and how they are. Either way, it is a great learning experience.
4.) Control of emotions: This part may be the hardest unless 1-3 are done. A person should put themselves in check if they see themselves getting jealous for no good reason. Also, they should make sure that they work to understand the full situation to see if they are being jealous or if something is truly wrong. Being level headed can accomplish more than flying off the handle and letting emotions preside over focused, intellectual thought. If this cannot be achieved, then seek professional help.
Jealousy is that green eyed monster lurking in all of us. However, that does not mean that jealous emotions cannot be controlled. With being human, it is all about being in control of YOU. It is a rare case scenario that a person can control the world around them. BUT, they can control what they do, how they act, and how they react. In the end, that same green eye monster can become the grey area lace of reason.
‘Nuff said and ‘Nuff respect!
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