Seeking the Infinitely Impossible: Imperfection within Seeking Perfection (CCL 18)

                Growing up, I always worked to make things happen the way “I felt” they should happen. I tried my hardest to make sure things “worked”. Whether it was at school, in relationships, or even at certain jobs, I wanted things to “roll smoothly”. I had the thoughts of the pretty wife, cool kids, and the nice house with plenty of zeroes in the bank account. Being summative, I wanted my life to be “perfect”. 

                Yet, rude awakenings and enlightenment happened to me in one fell swoop. 

                After having some issues with a situation, my brother had a quick talk with me. I thought he was going to come with some overly mundane commentary and advice. Yet, he shocked me. My oldest brother came with the most useful advice I could ever hear: he told me “You can’t control every aspect about life”. After that, a burden was lifted off of my shoulders. 

                After all this time spent trying to be “perfect” or live the “perfect life”, come to find out I don’t even control my life fully? I blame these damn motivational speakers for this folly of piss poor actualization. 

                I guess it is safe to say that people work to achieve a chocolate covered lie to no ends and bounds: people should seek perfection (either within oneself or within others). 

The True Realization

                The perpetual problem with “perfection” is it does not exist under qualitative terms.  You can find perfection in numerical values and maybe a rubric. If I wanted to see if Cam Newton had a perfect throwing game, then all he has to do is make all of his passes. Steve Nash has had numerous games with a perfect free throw percentage. I have plenty of students that get a perfect score on their spelling tests. So, yes, perfection exists in the measurable, numerical sense. 

                Still, qualitative perfection is the product of perception and opinion. People will try to say that something is “perfect”. However, “perfection” to one person can be “subjugation” for another. People feel as if they are forced to believe something is “of the greatest standard” when they either don’t agree or don’t care for those standards to begin with. And what do you have? You have a lot of disagreement on what “perfection” is. 

                People, is it really worth it to even try and take on “perfection”? I’m just asking. 

Historical Context

                The idea of perfection can be taken from two particular respective beliefs systems: Grecian and Biblical perfection. 

                The Greeks idea of “perfection” was something that guided their society. The Greek belief system allowed for “teleos”. “Teleos” had concrete references: there was the “perfect physician”, the “perfect comedy” and even the “perfect society” [1]. It wasn’t a totally abstract mentality, however. Thus, many work to associate this “teleos” with “completeness” rather than pure “perfection”. Still, one can see the idealistic systematic beliefs of Grecian society in others’ approach to perfection. 

                Another idea that deals with perfection is perfection praised by the Bible. What needs to be noted is that many Christians believe that “the law of the Lord is perfect” [2]. From a Biblical standpoint, this would make sense. If the Lord is the son of the most perfect being to ever exist, then the Lord’s law is perfect [3]. This is the law handed to us from God. So, who can truly doubt the perfection within the law that God has prescribed for us?

                As informative that this is, it is also troubling. Through all of the beliefs and religious documentation, has there been an instance of human perfection? I await proof of its existence. Until then, I can truly say “I doubt it”. 

The Problem with Seeking Perfection

                To start, “perfection” and “human” is not even synonymous. Mel Schwartz, a psychotherapist and marriage counselor, noted that “humans, however, were never intended to be perfect. That's part of the definition of being human. Consider the expression ‘I'm just human’”[4]. From his explanation, humans should not even seek something that is not only elusive, but unattainable.  Plus, it's likely that not many people would tolerate being around a “perfect person”. They would only serve as a reminder of the constant shortcomings that they possess [5]. To be honest: who wants to be reminded that they “came up short” all the time? In short, the “perfect human” is as oxymoronic as “organized confusion” and “Jews for Jesus”. 

                The other problem with perfection is that it is a comparative term. Whenever one seeks perfection, there has to be the question “in comparison to what?” [6]. If one thing is perfect, then there has to be at least something else that isn’t perfect. Eventually, due to the achievement of perfection, there will be a static situation occurring [7]. What is the point of change/growth when whatever it is that exists is “perfect” the way it is? Comparatively, life with perfection can shorten and hinder evolution. 

The Difficulty Perfection Seeking Causes 

                A harmful quality with seeking perfection is this: at some point, people will begin to obsess over it. People will go to no ends to become “the perfect representation of a human being” to the point of unnecessary actions like $80,000 worth of plastic surgeries just to look like a Barbie figure [8]. It is sad to say that people will go to lengths to be “perfect”. Dr. Nancy Etcoff, psychologist at Harvard Medical School and author of Survival of the Prettiest, The Science of Beauty, noted the scientific term for some people’s obsession over perfection:

She likely suffers from a common condition now known as Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). BDD often strikes people in their teens.  It's a psychiatric problem where people are pre-occupied with an imagined or very slight defect. They can't stop thinking about it. They've checked the mirror all day. They spend hours thinking about it. They'll ask people, “How do I look?” And what happens is, everyone says, “Sure, I think about my looks.” But it becomes so preoccupying that it's torturous. It becomes an obsession. [9]

What really needs to be understood is that this is a real condition. This shows that seeking perfection can easily go too far. 

                Another harmful quality about seeking perfection is that it exudes “the boring”. People have yet to realize that it is the imperfections that make life worth living. It is the imperfections within us as humans that either makes us interesting or even entertaining. Imagine the world that we would live in if it was perfect. Life, as we know it, would suck. There would be no rainy days so sunny days would be meaningless. Struggle would mean nothing. Who would care about yin when there is no yang? People have not realized that being imperfect is one of the spices of life. 

The Skinny

                In the end, nobody is perfect. While many of us seek perfection, it really is not worth the trip to the store to obtain it. Instead, people should seek to constantly grow and/or improve. At least improvement/growth/evolution is a worthwhile goal. Why even care about not being perfect when reaching perfection would make you perfectly lame?

‘Nuff said and ‘Nuff respect!

               

Sorry Charlie, You Don’t Have Haters: CCL #17

You have heard it all before.

                Someone always has to feel as if the world is against them. People must always express their feelings of being held down, denigrated, or downplayed. Sensible notes of struggle become a Stromboli filled with supple, yet subtle views of outer schadenfreude. Yet, there are probably some doubts if the situation is that serious. Regardless, many of us will always feel someone is watching us. 

                From this point, you can cue in the Michael Jackson chorus and 80’s music, you Rockwells. (Please note: Rockwell was a one hit wonder. Don’t follow in his footsteps. ) 

                At the end of it, people tend to feel that they have haters. I disagree. They won’t like that I disagree, though. However, some of these people will still post their Facey-Spacey statuses, Twitter Planet quips, or even write articles and emails about being “hated” on. Conclusively, many will still feel they have “haters” regardless. 

                This has led me to one of my more contrarian posts yet: The majority of you don’t have haters. 

                Yes, I had to take the time for this chocolate covered lie. Cause people are becoming bigger idiots by the second. 

Being “hated” vs. having “haters”

                Before even trying to think of having “haters”, please ask yourself: Do people want me to fail or is it that they don’t like me?

                I implore people to do this because that makes the biggest difference between being “hated” and having “haters”. One of Urban Dictionary’s definition of a “hater” is “A large group of people who have absolutely no calling in life except for dissing on everyone and everything around them because they have no understanding of being different” [1]. This wasn’t the most prominent definition, though. The most prominent one said “everyone on this site” [2]. Even still, people are not totally clear cut on the difference between “being hated” and “having haters”. 

                To keep this going, I will break down the difference: haters are people that try to downplay you, and everybody else, because of their level of success. In fact, haters are the ones that constantly live in a status of schadenfreude, which means to find joy in the misery of others [3]. Haters tend to be constantly surrounded by feelings of jealousy and/or envy. Yet, these emotions are consummate to the point of controlling their lives. With that understood, one must understand that many of those labeled “haters” may just be people that don’t like you. 

                Stinkmeaner from the Boondocks? Hater. 

                Your coworker that thinks you are an arrogant ass because you always doing something? Just doesn’t like you. Please respect the difference.

Why They May NOT Be Haters

                Another thing to understand is that even if someone is “hating” on you, does not mean they are “haters”. Yes, they are jealous of you. Yes, you have something they want. Yes, they think you are doing big things and want to be in your shoes. However, to be a hater, you have to do one thing: hate all day, every day, on everything. 

                This is the equivalent to saying someone that is mean to you is a “bitch”. Unless they are mean to the majority of the world, then they are just being a “bitch” to you. 

                Being a “hater” is all encompassing. You don’t turn it on and turn it off. Haters really work to knock everyone’s hustle. They find everything wrong with a situation and capitalize off of that. If they were in a forest, they would rather complain about the trees than witness the beauty of the green. To be a hater, their disregard for the exquisiteness and significance in anything must be second nature.

                So, before one labels someone a “hater”, they need to figure out are they really “haters” or are they “just doing some hater stuff”. 

Delusions of Grandeur

                There is nothing more annoying than people that think they have haters just because of a little humanistic adversity. 

                To keep things copasetic, there are plenty of people that HAVE haters. Your common famous basketball player has haters. President Obama has to chase the Tea Party off with a bipartisan stick (to my chagrin). Even Jesus had, and still has, haters. To be realistic, some of us will have people praying for our downfall. [Side note: praying for the downfall of Jesus is really oxymoronic. Highly. ]

                That doesn’t mean people are praying for your downfall. Yet, people do this to make themselves feel more important than they really are for the sake of one thing: hope for themselves. Hope is acquired once people reach a place of higher self-esteem and convinced that the relationships they have are loving and worthwhile [4]. People are constantly hoping that they can be accredited or loved for the person that they are. Yet, this isn’t how it always happens. Once someone does not reach that said acknowledgement, they tend to believe that people “hate” on them. 

                This acknowledgement of this situation even goes as far as the music we listen to. Jill Scott has a song that acknowledges the naysayers (“Hate on Me”). Marvin Sapp has received praise for “The Best in Me”, a song that deals with his desire to be happy that God loves him even when people do not. And you know many rappers from Lil Wayne to B.O.B will recognize the hater in their world. Honestly, some of the music that we listen to sheds light on the hater syndrome that does exist. 

                Yet, just because an artist feels they have haters does NOT mean YOU DO. Sure, you have someone that “hates” on you every now and then. Great. But does it make sense to turn it into a “shout out to all my haters” marathon every time you open your mouth or type? Are you actually important enough to other people to even be worthy of “hating”? Do your efforts actually motivate people to do something? If you died, would the world take notice (or at least the world that surrounds you in a 50 mile radius)?

                Sometimes, I really feel the answer is going to be “No”. For plenty of us that say “yes”, you need to realize that you may not be that important. It isn’t a bad thing. It is just how the cookie crumbles: messy with the need of clean up. 

The Point of It ALL

                To have haters, you have to understand three things. First thing to understand is that everyone isn’t a hater if they don’t like you. The second thing to realize is that haters hate because that is what they do all day and every day. The last thing to understand is that many of us aren’t important enough to have “haters”. In the end, find people that love you and let those that don’t like you do what they do. Life is short. Why concern yourself with people that aren’t going to help you get more out of it?

‘Nuff said and ‘Nuff respect!

               

               

[1] www.urbandictionary.com/haters

[2] www.urbandictionary.com/haters

[3] http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/schadenfreude

[4] http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html

The Victim: Your Man/Woman is Used or Abused...mentally (CCL 16)

Hey, my beautiful Chocolate Lie consumers! I don’t know if you all missed me. However, I did miss you all. It feels good to have people read your thoughts, whether it is 5 or 500 or 5,000. And as the world turns, there are still some lies to expose. 

            Today, I have to take on a certain individual whether they are male or female. On this wonderful day in August, I have noticed that there are more and more of this suspect type of human being in existence. Within this existence, the more they exist the more that other people resist them and what they offer. In the end, this self-made pariah never realizes their causal actions only hinder their position.

            And who is this person, you may ask? We all know them as the professional victim. 

            Which leads to my next Chocolate Covered Lie: you are the victim and it is everyone else’s fault. 

Why No One Likes a Victim

            To keep it honest and up front: no one wants to be around the negativity. Research has shown that negative thoughts, emotions, and pure pessimism and here is proof:

British and German researchers performed the most sophisticated study yet to tell. They strapped a heat-beaming device onto the legs of 22 healthy volunteers, zapping it until people rated their pain at nearly 70 on a scale of 1 to 100. Then the researchers hooked up an IV to give them the powerful morphine-like painkiller remifentanil. The volunteers' brains were scanned as they described how much pain, and pain relief, they experienced at different times. When the researchers induced the burn and surreptitiously turned on the drug, the volunteers said their pain improved a fair amount. The researchers next told the volunteers they were about to inject the painkiller even though they'd never turned it off. Those pain ratings dropped even more - meaning expectations of relief doubled the drug's painkilling benefit. Finally, the researchers lied again, saying they were stopping the drug and that pain would probably increase. Sure enough, the volunteers' pain levels soared back up to almost their pre-treated level as grim expectations canceled out the effect of a proven and potent painkiller. Anxiety levels fluctuated similarly. [1]

With this experiment, the placebo effect took place: the improvement of a medical condition when useless drugs are administered. Also, prolonged negativity can lead to other health ailments that deal with the heart and the brain (psychological)[2]. It is no wonder that negative people are unpopular: they are unhealthy.

            Another reason that people don’t want to be around the self-victimized is that they don’t take responsibility for their own successes and failures when/where they should. There is always something or someone that is holding them back. 99% of the time, it is something that is either irrelevant or non-circumstantial to making sure they do what they do. Yet and still, no responsibility is taken on their part. Rather, they would likely find blame in everyone/everything else.

            At the end of the day, their actions bring about nothing but failure because they are full of excuses. And excuses are tools of the incompetent that builds bridges that leads to nowhere. Understand that those that use them are masters of nothing and seldom accomplish anything.

You can quote me on that.

How the “victim” operates

            The victimized mind is always in search for something to show “Hey, I have been held back in life!” Yet, most of us really don’t want to hear it. Dr. Tara J. Palmatier noted the actions of the victimized individual (from the female’s perspective):

·         She never acknowledges when she hurts others

·         The victim must be victimized.

·         She blames others and circumstances for her own shortcomings or failures.

·         She admires and respects people who actually treat her badly. [3]

And I know we have all dealt with this person before in our lives. We all dealt with the harmful, deceitful “blame-game” person that actually respects people like them. Still, the victimized mindset is still a problem in and within itself.

Why does the victimized mind exist

            The victimized mind exists because of some sort of set-back, be it from abuse or neglect. When these situations occurred, then they were often blamed for the situation, man or woman [4]. Anything from sexual abuse to poverty has always been put square on the shoulders of those that suffer within those depleting parameters. Eventually, certain movements (civil rights and feminism) turned the tables to expose these inequities [5]. In the end, the victimized mind has seen set-backs just to realize that it wasn’t its entire fault.

            Another cause of the victimized mind is how society has played into the phenomenon. The philosophy of victimization is closely tied to what Amitai Etzioni, a sociologist at Georgetown University, called the 'rights industry [6].' “Rights industry” is a communal term for those who fight for the rights of groups, such as women, abused children, minorities, the homeless, and the like. Victimization is also at the heart of the legal system's approach, which attempts to respond to injustice and violations by identifying and prosecuting the perpetrators and compensating the victims [7]. Through it all, people are always ready to blame someone else; our society has made it easier for this to happen.   

    

How to overcome it all. 

            I could sit up here and say “Just get over it, chumpzilla”. However, that isn’t the proper way to address this serious situation. 

            There are a couple of ways to make sure that the victimized mindset doesn’t overcome oneself. Dr. Eric Dlugokinski, psychologist and professor at the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center, noted that “transcending the "psychology of victimization" requires determination, commitment and a recognition of reality, because if life is like a box of chocolates, as Forrest Gump says, then blame is like a boomerang” [8]. A person has to do some soul searching to figure out that they can’t be a victim for the rest of their lives. Becoming responsible also helps because it helps one realize that they are in control of their lives more than they let on [9]. In turn, figuring things out and taking the blame for certain parts of one’s life can deter the victimized mentality. 

At the End of the Day

            Many of us want to point the finger at others. We would rather listen to Kanye West and John Legend make songs about “The Blame Game” than accept responsibility. We would rather have Chris Rock entertain the female while she constantly repeats “Yeezy taught me!”. Yet, we haven’t taken the time to realize some of our situations have to do more with our actions and less to do with finger pointing. Some say “when you point one finger at someone, you point three back at yourself”. I got a better saying: “when you point one finger at someone, you are too missing the point of it all: personal responsibility”. 

‘Nuff said and ‘Nuff respect!

[1] http://www.hutchnews.com/Healthfitness/HealthStudy2011-03-09T20-56-53
[2] http://www.dmedicalplans.com/health-and-negativity-how-negative-emotions-harm-your-health.html
[3] http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/27/is-your-girlfriend-or-wife-a-professional-victim/
[4] http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html
[5] http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html
[6] http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html
[7] http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html
[8] http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4182/is_19950524/ai_n10082360/
[9] http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4182/is_19950524/ai_n10082360/

Cheating Motivation: Steve Harvey Does It Again (CCL #15)

            Steve Harvey’s book is going to be turned into a movie!

            That is right; everyone that gets to read this blog: the man behind the misleading manuscript got dibs on a motion picture. The movie for Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man has even confirmed Chris Brown to star. It will look at four guys whose relationship lives are turned upside down once the women they are dating take advice from Steve Harvey’s book. Eventually, the men get wise and use the book to their advantage. More than likely, things will work out for the best for all characters involved. 

            Still, who is going to save those women that actually bought this book and thought this was classified advice. Need more proof of the pure misleading malarkey located inside of this work? Let’s look at “Chapter 8: Why Men Cheat” to see the true foolishness of what he has to say: 

Men cheat because they can, they have figured out they can get away with it, and because they haven’t become who they want to be and needs or found who he truly wants. Plus, there is always a woman out there to cheat with him!

*sigh*

It still amazes me that people spent hard earned money on a book this silly and simplistic. Yet and still, when it comes to women being desperate enough to find answers from a comedian whose relationship experiences include a few failed marriages, then nothing should come as a surprise. 

Let us get into what REALLY motivates a man towards cheating beyond the simple and mundane, shall we?

First Reason for Cheating: Lack of Emotional Support

            The lack of emotional support is one main reason why men cheat. Some men cheat because they have the feeling they are in some way not getting the emotional support for their partner that they deserve [1]. This seems to be an odd situation and goes against common logic about men. Many feel that men cheat for the sake of sexual gratification, thus having women appease men by giving them sex. Yet, they tend to ignore that many men are emotional creatures that crave the nurturing communication and presence that only their significant other can give them. 

            You read it right: men are emotional creatures. Please don’t be shocked. Everybody knew this for a while now. 

            This is important because remembering this fact will help dispel the idea of men leaving for “better looking women”. M. Gary Neuman, the author of The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray And What You Can Do To Prevent It, noted that a majority of the men he interviewed felt there was a lack of “an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. Men are very emotional beings. They just don't look like that. Or they don't seem like that. Or they don't tell you that” [2]. Take the time think about it: there are situations that a man try to hold his emotions but can’t. If he has ever cried for receiving an award, he is emotional. If he gets upset and shuts down, he is emotional. If you noticed that he cried during the last Harry Potter movie, he is emotional. In truth, just because men handle their emotions differently does not rule out that we require emotional sustenance.  

            Men need emotional support. They want to feel like they matter. It doesn’t require tears, a thousand hugs, and a whole lot of bonding over bon-bons. Simply showing him that he matters and he is on the right track always helps. Please don’t ignore the emotional need of the male to feel as if he is worth your time.

Birds of a Feather Flocking Together?

            There is one thing that people rarely consider with men: the effects of their personal culture on their behavior. Over 50% of cheating men have witnessed their fathers cheating on their mothers [3]. Profound enough, many men have witnessed the act of cheating and may have it ingrained within them that this is a part of relationships (in some instances). Also, there is the fact that more than 75% of cheating males hang around cheating males [4]. Therefore, cheating can be more than a desire; cultural norms come into play also. 

            Do not be confused: I am actualizing cheating, not justifying it. Many may find it hard to swallow the bitter pill that many men have no true IDEA as to how to be faithful and monogamous. Beyond the physical nature that our animal instincts don’t present a worthwhile base for being monogamous is the fact that it hasn’t been represented customarily. However, it does not mean that it is okay. In time, I want people to realize how certain environmental aspects can influence a person’s choices.    

The Alpha Male (The Winner Within Him)

            It seems that athletes, politicians, and other important public figures catch a lot of dissonance for their infidelity (hey, John Edwards and Elgin Cheetah Woods!). 

 

What must be understood is this: due to higher testosterone levels, “people of importance” are more prone to cheat. Dr. Edward Laumann, sociologist from the University of Chicago, makes this important discovery quite clear:

In games or competitions -- and this has been observed in the animal kingdom as well -- winners (males) have a t-surge and those that are defeated have a dampening down of testosterone. Now that would make sense because [the losers are] less likely to challenge or fight with somebody who’s already beaten them. So they withdraw from the fight and the other gets priority for sex, for food, for whatever’s out there that they want to have. So you have a situation where you’re selecting on exactly those variables. [5]

So, animal magnetism and nature still rears its head into the situation. Eventually, women take a liking to these powerful figures to reinforce the “groupie effect” [6]. Realistically, the coined term “everybody loves a winner” has more innate meaning than expected.  

Looks and Sex is NOT Everything

            Women tend to feel inadequate due to their physical insecurities. Yet they don’t totally contribute to every situation of infidelity. About 10% of surveyed males note that their mistresses are more attractive than their wives [7]. So, thinking of him cheating with someone that looks better is more circumstantial than intentional. Also, about 10% of those surveyed noted that their wives looks caused them to cheat [8]. Therefore, it can be said that very few men cheat because of their wives looks. 

            The same thing can be said about a man’s sex life. About 10% of the men surveyed noted that their sexual attraction is lessened by their wives’ looks [9]. So, there is a minute likelihood that your depleted sexiness will make him lose interest (unless you transformed into Jabba Da Hut). Even further, sex probably had the least amount to do with drifting away from the relationship than expected [10]. As important as sex is within a relationship, it may not be the main cause for concern when it comes to infidelity. 

So, What Is Next?

            In conclusion, it is time for us to realize that men aren’t the high-octane instinctual burros that Steve Harvey makes them out to be. We are emotional (just like women). We love sex, but most of the time it won’t drive us to cheat. Pay attention to his status and his surroundings (friends and family history). Know how that man feels and what his desires are. Make him feel wanted. If he still cheats then there is something deeper going on. 

In the end, please KNOW YOUR MAN!

‘Nuff said and ‘Nuff respect!

           

[1] http://www.surviveinfidelityhq.com/why-do-men-cheat/

[2] http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Men-Cheat_2/2

[3] http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Do-Men-Cheat_1

[4] http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Do-Men-Cheat_1

[5] http://news.discovery.com/human/why-do-men-cheat.html

[6] http://news.discovery.com/human/why-do-men-cheat.html

[7] http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Do-Men-Cheat_1

[8] http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Do-Men-Cheat_1

[9] http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Do-Men-Cheat_1

[10] http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Men-Cheat_2/4

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