The Victim: Your Man/Woman is Used or Abused...mentally (CCL 16)

Hey, my beautiful Chocolate Lie consumers! I don’t know if you all missed me. However, I did miss you all. It feels good to have people read your thoughts, whether it is 5 or 500 or 5,000. And as the world turns, there are still some lies to expose. 

            Today, I have to take on a certain individual whether they are male or female. On this wonderful day in August, I have noticed that there are more and more of this suspect type of human being in existence. Within this existence, the more they exist the more that other people resist them and what they offer. In the end, this self-made pariah never realizes their causal actions only hinder their position.

            And who is this person, you may ask? We all know them as the professional victim. 

            Which leads to my next Chocolate Covered Lie: you are the victim and it is everyone else’s fault. 

Why No One Likes a Victim

            To keep it honest and up front: no one wants to be around the negativity. Research has shown that negative thoughts, emotions, and pure pessimism and here is proof:

British and German researchers performed the most sophisticated study yet to tell. They strapped a heat-beaming device onto the legs of 22 healthy volunteers, zapping it until people rated their pain at nearly 70 on a scale of 1 to 100. Then the researchers hooked up an IV to give them the powerful morphine-like painkiller remifentanil. The volunteers' brains were scanned as they described how much pain, and pain relief, they experienced at different times. When the researchers induced the burn and surreptitiously turned on the drug, the volunteers said their pain improved a fair amount. The researchers next told the volunteers they were about to inject the painkiller even though they'd never turned it off. Those pain ratings dropped even more - meaning expectations of relief doubled the drug's painkilling benefit. Finally, the researchers lied again, saying they were stopping the drug and that pain would probably increase. Sure enough, the volunteers' pain levels soared back up to almost their pre-treated level as grim expectations canceled out the effect of a proven and potent painkiller. Anxiety levels fluctuated similarly. [1]

With this experiment, the placebo effect took place: the improvement of a medical condition when useless drugs are administered. Also, prolonged negativity can lead to other health ailments that deal with the heart and the brain (psychological)[2]. It is no wonder that negative people are unpopular: they are unhealthy.

            Another reason that people don’t want to be around the self-victimized is that they don’t take responsibility for their own successes and failures when/where they should. There is always something or someone that is holding them back. 99% of the time, it is something that is either irrelevant or non-circumstantial to making sure they do what they do. Yet and still, no responsibility is taken on their part. Rather, they would likely find blame in everyone/everything else.

            At the end of the day, their actions bring about nothing but failure because they are full of excuses. And excuses are tools of the incompetent that builds bridges that leads to nowhere. Understand that those that use them are masters of nothing and seldom accomplish anything.

You can quote me on that.

How the “victim” operates

            The victimized mind is always in search for something to show “Hey, I have been held back in life!” Yet, most of us really don’t want to hear it. Dr. Tara J. Palmatier noted the actions of the victimized individual (from the female’s perspective):

·         She never acknowledges when she hurts others

·         The victim must be victimized.

·         She blames others and circumstances for her own shortcomings or failures.

·         She admires and respects people who actually treat her badly. [3]

And I know we have all dealt with this person before in our lives. We all dealt with the harmful, deceitful “blame-game” person that actually respects people like them. Still, the victimized mindset is still a problem in and within itself.

Why does the victimized mind exist

            The victimized mind exists because of some sort of set-back, be it from abuse or neglect. When these situations occurred, then they were often blamed for the situation, man or woman [4]. Anything from sexual abuse to poverty has always been put square on the shoulders of those that suffer within those depleting parameters. Eventually, certain movements (civil rights and feminism) turned the tables to expose these inequities [5]. In the end, the victimized mind has seen set-backs just to realize that it wasn’t its entire fault.

            Another cause of the victimized mind is how society has played into the phenomenon. The philosophy of victimization is closely tied to what Amitai Etzioni, a sociologist at Georgetown University, called the 'rights industry [6].' “Rights industry” is a communal term for those who fight for the rights of groups, such as women, abused children, minorities, the homeless, and the like. Victimization is also at the heart of the legal system's approach, which attempts to respond to injustice and violations by identifying and prosecuting the perpetrators and compensating the victims [7]. Through it all, people are always ready to blame someone else; our society has made it easier for this to happen.   

    

How to overcome it all. 

            I could sit up here and say “Just get over it, chumpzilla”. However, that isn’t the proper way to address this serious situation. 

            There are a couple of ways to make sure that the victimized mindset doesn’t overcome oneself. Dr. Eric Dlugokinski, psychologist and professor at the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center, noted that “transcending the "psychology of victimization" requires determination, commitment and a recognition of reality, because if life is like a box of chocolates, as Forrest Gump says, then blame is like a boomerang” [8]. A person has to do some soul searching to figure out that they can’t be a victim for the rest of their lives. Becoming responsible also helps because it helps one realize that they are in control of their lives more than they let on [9]. In turn, figuring things out and taking the blame for certain parts of one’s life can deter the victimized mentality. 

At the End of the Day

            Many of us want to point the finger at others. We would rather listen to Kanye West and John Legend make songs about “The Blame Game” than accept responsibility. We would rather have Chris Rock entertain the female while she constantly repeats “Yeezy taught me!”. Yet, we haven’t taken the time to realize some of our situations have to do more with our actions and less to do with finger pointing. Some say “when you point one finger at someone, you point three back at yourself”. I got a better saying: “when you point one finger at someone, you are too missing the point of it all: personal responsibility”. 

‘Nuff said and ‘Nuff respect!

[1] http://www.hutchnews.com/Healthfitness/HealthStudy2011-03-09T20-56-53
[2] http://www.dmedicalplans.com/health-and-negativity-how-negative-emotions-harm-your-health.html
[3] http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/27/is-your-girlfriend-or-wife-a-professional-victim/
[4] http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html
[5] http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html
[6] http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html
[7] http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html
[8] http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4182/is_19950524/ai_n10082360/
[9] http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4182/is_19950524/ai_n10082360/

Cheating Motivation: Steve Harvey Does It Again (CCL #15)

            Steve Harvey’s book is going to be turned into a movie!

            That is right; everyone that gets to read this blog: the man behind the misleading manuscript got dibs on a motion picture. The movie for Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man has even confirmed Chris Brown to star. It will look at four guys whose relationship lives are turned upside down once the women they are dating take advice from Steve Harvey’s book. Eventually, the men get wise and use the book to their advantage. More than likely, things will work out for the best for all characters involved. 

            Still, who is going to save those women that actually bought this book and thought this was classified advice. Need more proof of the pure misleading malarkey located inside of this work? Let’s look at “Chapter 8: Why Men Cheat” to see the true foolishness of what he has to say: 

Men cheat because they can, they have figured out they can get away with it, and because they haven’t become who they want to be and needs or found who he truly wants. Plus, there is always a woman out there to cheat with him!

*sigh*

It still amazes me that people spent hard earned money on a book this silly and simplistic. Yet and still, when it comes to women being desperate enough to find answers from a comedian whose relationship experiences include a few failed marriages, then nothing should come as a surprise. 

Let us get into what REALLY motivates a man towards cheating beyond the simple and mundane, shall we?

First Reason for Cheating: Lack of Emotional Support

            The lack of emotional support is one main reason why men cheat. Some men cheat because they have the feeling they are in some way not getting the emotional support for their partner that they deserve [1]. This seems to be an odd situation and goes against common logic about men. Many feel that men cheat for the sake of sexual gratification, thus having women appease men by giving them sex. Yet, they tend to ignore that many men are emotional creatures that crave the nurturing communication and presence that only their significant other can give them. 

            You read it right: men are emotional creatures. Please don’t be shocked. Everybody knew this for a while now. 

            This is important because remembering this fact will help dispel the idea of men leaving for “better looking women”. M. Gary Neuman, the author of The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray And What You Can Do To Prevent It, noted that a majority of the men he interviewed felt there was a lack of “an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. Men are very emotional beings. They just don't look like that. Or they don't seem like that. Or they don't tell you that” [2]. Take the time think about it: there are situations that a man try to hold his emotions but can’t. If he has ever cried for receiving an award, he is emotional. If he gets upset and shuts down, he is emotional. If you noticed that he cried during the last Harry Potter movie, he is emotional. In truth, just because men handle their emotions differently does not rule out that we require emotional sustenance.  

            Men need emotional support. They want to feel like they matter. It doesn’t require tears, a thousand hugs, and a whole lot of bonding over bon-bons. Simply showing him that he matters and he is on the right track always helps. Please don’t ignore the emotional need of the male to feel as if he is worth your time.

Birds of a Feather Flocking Together?

            There is one thing that people rarely consider with men: the effects of their personal culture on their behavior. Over 50% of cheating men have witnessed their fathers cheating on their mothers [3]. Profound enough, many men have witnessed the act of cheating and may have it ingrained within them that this is a part of relationships (in some instances). Also, there is the fact that more than 75% of cheating males hang around cheating males [4]. Therefore, cheating can be more than a desire; cultural norms come into play also. 

            Do not be confused: I am actualizing cheating, not justifying it. Many may find it hard to swallow the bitter pill that many men have no true IDEA as to how to be faithful and monogamous. Beyond the physical nature that our animal instincts don’t present a worthwhile base for being monogamous is the fact that it hasn’t been represented customarily. However, it does not mean that it is okay. In time, I want people to realize how certain environmental aspects can influence a person’s choices.    

The Alpha Male (The Winner Within Him)

            It seems that athletes, politicians, and other important public figures catch a lot of dissonance for their infidelity (hey, John Edwards and Elgin Cheetah Woods!). 

 

What must be understood is this: due to higher testosterone levels, “people of importance” are more prone to cheat. Dr. Edward Laumann, sociologist from the University of Chicago, makes this important discovery quite clear:

In games or competitions -- and this has been observed in the animal kingdom as well -- winners (males) have a t-surge and those that are defeated have a dampening down of testosterone. Now that would make sense because [the losers are] less likely to challenge or fight with somebody who’s already beaten them. So they withdraw from the fight and the other gets priority for sex, for food, for whatever’s out there that they want to have. So you have a situation where you’re selecting on exactly those variables. [5]

So, animal magnetism and nature still rears its head into the situation. Eventually, women take a liking to these powerful figures to reinforce the “groupie effect” [6]. Realistically, the coined term “everybody loves a winner” has more innate meaning than expected.  

Looks and Sex is NOT Everything

            Women tend to feel inadequate due to their physical insecurities. Yet they don’t totally contribute to every situation of infidelity. About 10% of surveyed males note that their mistresses are more attractive than their wives [7]. So, thinking of him cheating with someone that looks better is more circumstantial than intentional. Also, about 10% of those surveyed noted that their wives looks caused them to cheat [8]. Therefore, it can be said that very few men cheat because of their wives looks. 

            The same thing can be said about a man’s sex life. About 10% of the men surveyed noted that their sexual attraction is lessened by their wives’ looks [9]. So, there is a minute likelihood that your depleted sexiness will make him lose interest (unless you transformed into Jabba Da Hut). Even further, sex probably had the least amount to do with drifting away from the relationship than expected [10]. As important as sex is within a relationship, it may not be the main cause for concern when it comes to infidelity. 

So, What Is Next?

            In conclusion, it is time for us to realize that men aren’t the high-octane instinctual burros that Steve Harvey makes them out to be. We are emotional (just like women). We love sex, but most of the time it won’t drive us to cheat. Pay attention to his status and his surroundings (friends and family history). Know how that man feels and what his desires are. Make him feel wanted. If he still cheats then there is something deeper going on. 

In the end, please KNOW YOUR MAN!

‘Nuff said and ‘Nuff respect!

           

[1] http://www.surviveinfidelityhq.com/why-do-men-cheat/

[2] http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Men-Cheat_2/2

[3] http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Do-Men-Cheat_1

[4] http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Do-Men-Cheat_1

[5] http://news.discovery.com/human/why-do-men-cheat.html

[6] http://news.discovery.com/human/why-do-men-cheat.html

[7] http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Do-Men-Cheat_1

[8] http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Do-Men-Cheat_1

[9] http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Do-Men-Cheat_1

[10] http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Men-Cheat_2/4

<script src="http://www.stumbleupon.com/hostedbadge.php?s=5"></script>

           

Steve Harvey Got Things Confused Pt. 1 (CCL #14)

Personally, I will be the first to admit: Steve Harvey’s first relationship book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man is quite entertaining. Through his endearing conversations, personal anecdotes, and understanding of life, Harvey came up with a nice book. He uses common sense to explain certain situations dealing with men. Also, he uses simple moments of logic to drive home certain premises that some already value. With that said, Harvey constructed a book that may be worthy of mass consumption. 

Yet, this does not mean anything.   That book may be considered “general wisdom”. I conclude that the book was quite the contrary. 

There are two main issues that need to be ratified before I even get into the first chocolate covered lie. 

The first issue I have with this book is that it is a tome relegated to the manipulation of the male species. It is one thing to work to empower women to gain the most of their relationships. It is another matter to try to have females come up with clever, skillful, or devious ways to get men to comply with their wishes. Those two things are not one and the same. Relationships are not something that should be based on getting people to do your bidding. In turn, it seems as if this book is somewhere suitable to how-to-train pets rather than relating to men. 

The second issue deals with the fact that the book uses plenty of opinions and no hardcore facts. I am not trying to discount any of Steve Harvey’s experiences whatsoever. Yet, I do find it troubling that NO concrete knowledge being used. Using relatable relationship experiences is fine. But, using those solitary experiences (like the comparison between a “90 Day Rule” and 90 days working before you get benefits. Really, Steve? [1]) are not enough. In the end, Not having worthwhile research will be a continual contrary argument point.

This leads me to the first chocolate covered lie dedicated to a singular manuscript: it is okay for women to relegate their “cookie” as something that is earned. 

Of all of the ideas within this book, this has to be the worst. Let me break this short sighted malarkey to its very last compound. 

For one, refining and defining oneself as something “that should be earned” only leads to one thing: self-objectification. Imannuel Kant, the German philosopher, characteristically wrote this in his Lectures on Ethics:

 “…sexual love makes of the loved person an Object of appetite; as soon as that appetite has been stilled, the person is cast aside as one casts away a lemon which has been sucked dry. … as soon as a person becomes an Object of appetite for another, all motives of moral relationship cease to function, because as an Object of appetite for another a person becomes a thing and can be treated and used as such by everyone.” [2]

Let me break this down for you: once that man sees you as an object to feed his hunger, to satiate his thirst, then that only makes you no more than a $5 Foot long or a bottle of Gatorade. Sure, you will hit the spot. Yes, you will serve a purpose. However, will this purpose be of “a regal, dedicated woman” or a “piece of ass”? 

            Another issue that I have with this mentality is that it actually mishandles the understanding of male sexuality. Dr. Helen Fisher, the anthropology professor and human behavior researcher at Rutgers University, had this to say:

“Sex is more intimate to men than it is to women. Intimacy to women is talking…men tend to get intimacy from doing things side by side, together. Sex is really a gift that women give to men. Men see it as that and the actual sex act is very intimate for men.” [3]

So, on average, women are the ones that will always want to intimately talk. Meanwhile, your men will be intimate through doing things together (including sex). Consequently, Harvey’s book missed the mark when it came to fully understanding a male’s expression of intimacy. 

            Do not get things mixed up: men do love sex. We feel that it is an important part of a working relationship. Also, we enjoy the release that it gives us and the health benefits that come along with it. Plus, we think sex is GREAT! So, Steve Harvey is right when he notes that “if you mess around and start shelling out the cookie in crumbs, it’s going to be a problem.” [4]

            But, sex is our main goal if we are trying to have sex and have sex only. In relationships, sex is an expression of intimacy.

            Let us have another honest look at things: how can any woman honestly be okay with objectifying themselves in that manner? True, women should want be desired by a man of their choice. Yes, that man should want you. Yet, understand that sex is just the side dish to the meal that is a relationship. Without it, it can be incomplete; having sex with no worthwhile relationship will REALLY leave your man on an empty stomach. 

            In the end, Steve Harvey’s first mistake was built around good intentions. He wants women to understand a male’s sexual desires. Yet, those sexual desires unequivocally leave men being demoted to that of a hormonal, instinctual beast. Sex should NEVER be a goal in a relationship. Sex is a goal of those looking for whores, one-night-stands, and the club-happy undesirables. Relationships are built around expressions of love, trust, and intimacy. Therefore, Steve Harvey missed the mark. 

            Oh, and this won’t be the last chocolate covered lie to come from this book. Just you all wait.  Shout out to the Cookie Monster.

            ‘Nuff said and ‘nuff respect!

           

[1] Harvey, S. (2009). Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. HarperCollins, New York, NY.

[2] http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/feminism-objectification/

[3] http://manofthehouse.com/relationships/sex/dr-helen-fisher-intimacy-between-men-and-women

[4] Harvey, S. (2009). Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. HarperCollins, New York, NY.

  

The Greenest of Emotions (AKA A Whole Lot of Envy): Chocolate Covered Lies #13

Last time around, we covered the ever elusive emotion of jealousy. Much was covered about the topic, from how it could be considered healthy to how it is actually anti-functional for human relationships. However, it has to be understood that jealousy is an emotion people will still validate. Also, it is an emotion that people will still experience. Experiencing this emotion is one thing. Yet, the validation will still baffle me. With that said, jealousy will still be that unnecessary evil that we could conquer. 

But do we want to conquer it? I doubt it. What will probably happen is that people will shift from being jealous to just showing their envy (if possible).  Which brings about our next chocolate covered lie: envy is a worthwhile emotion. 

 To make sure we are on the same page, the term envy needs to be explained. Envy can be defined as a feeling of grudging or somewhat admiring discontent aroused by the possessions, achievements or qualities of another [1]. Like jealousy, it harbors ill will and feelings towards someone. However, jealousy usually deals with relationship fidelity (of some sort). With envy, there is the feeling of dislike/disdain of another person over their possessions. In the end, envy exists because one person doesn’t like another having more than them. 

 

Now, there are times when envy can be helpful. It can be a transient, nonthreatening feeling. More so than anything, it can be an “envy-lite”, which is closer to admiration (“Wow, her body is nice. I should ask her how often she works out.”)[2]. This is a great way of looking at a situation. A person might see someone that has what they desire. What that person could do is channel that into working harder to obtain the object of desire. Or, they could inquire how that person got what they have. Inquiringly, someone can use their slight envy to find their way to higher order achievement.

Yet, when things get heavy is when the foolishness occurs.  

The problems begin to occur when “envy-lite” turns to “heavy duty envy”. It can be what University of Kentucky’s Professor Richard Smith calls envy proper, which involves some form of ill-will (“She’s got a great figure, for her age. Where are the lipo scars? You can tell that she’ll run to fat in a few years.”) [2]. What it becomes is this malicious vehicle towards depleting the achievements of others. It festers within a person’s being to actually disregard the acquisition of betterment for others. Consequently, envy can turn into something much worse than it needs to be.   

  

What people don’t really understand is that envy can be as stupid, or even more nonsensical, than jealousy could ever be. And yes, this is my opinion. Now watch me manipulate and masturbate these words to make them climax with profound sense and understanding.

Get ready. There is plenty to be enlightened about. 

First of all, both jealousy and envy are forms of schadenfreude. Schadenfreude is the German term that for “finding pleasure in the misfortune of others” [4]. This can say a lot about humans and humanity. For someone to take pleasure in the misfortune of others is quite unfortunate. Outside of issues of confrontation or competition, looking forward someone’s hardship is quite shocking. It is never a good thing for someone’s psyche to take pleasure in anyone’s disaster. With that said, schadenfreude shows the ugly side of humanity that can take the form of envy. 

Another issue with envy is that it causes too many issues. First of all, envy can distort one’s perspective on life. People can become so engrossed in another’s achievements; they will do anything to “level the playing field”. Another problem with envy is that it causes division. People that are so envious of others that they become spiteful are really hard to be around. They will either do things to make themselves feel better or to make others feel worse. In the end, envy can be a relationship cancer that chemotherapy cannot cure.  

In laymen’s terms, envy is an emotion that is relegated to haters. Plain and simple.

If one wants to get biblical with it, Proverbs even notes that “a tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot” [5]. 

Even still, people have not realized the cause of their envy: their insecurities. There are many different reasons that people are insecure:

·         Feeling of not being "good enough" to meet the challenge of a situation you face in life.

·         Sense of helplessness in the face of problems, conflict or concerns.

·         Belief that one is inadequate or incompetent to handle life's challenges.

·         Fear of being discovered as inadequate, ill-fitted or unsuited to meet responsibilities at home, school or on the job.

·         Sense of not fitting in, being "out of sync" with those in your peer group.

·         Perception that life is unpredictable with most of the expectations you have to meet not clearly understood. [6]

Within all those reasons, there will be ways to become envious of others. A person will dislike others that achieve because they don’t feel good enough. Also, people that don’t fit in or feel inadequate in all of life’s challenges will find ways to downplay others. By finding the problems, issues, and calamities within themselves, they will seek to find the same within others. In truth, envious people find profound ways to break people down because they themselves have already been broken into pieces within their own minds. 

            Connecting all the dots, envy can be considered to be stupid (in my eyes) because it shows WAY too much concern for others. I understand that one can use the success of others as inspiration towards achieving their own. I can also understand having successful people give them advice. However, I cannot condone bringing others down to bring themselves up. Also, I could never understand worrying about the affairs and constructs of other people’s progress when there should be concern of MY OWN affairs. In short, why in Sam Hell am I going to focus on someone else’s house of cards when I shouldn’t have used that pack of Bicycle’s to even construct my own fortress?

            Envy has a very easy solution: focus on one’s own self-improvement. When a person focuses on doing what they need to do, then they will be okay. If a person doesn’t feel good about themselves, then improve what they can. Also, they should never waste time downplaying others. It doesn’t do any good to even pay attention to another person’s accomplishments unless it will be used to help promote/motivate/conceptualize one’s own. Take care of their own and make sure their goals/aspirations/hopes/dreams/whatever are accomplished is much more effective than harboring ill will because others are doing what they haven’t taken the time to do.

‘Nuff said and ‘Nuff respect!

           

[1]www.dictionary.com/envy

[2] http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/body_and_soul/article3128821.ece

[3] http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/body_and_soul/article3128821.ece

[4] http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/schadenfreude

[5] (Prov. 14:30, ESV)      

[6] http://www.livestrong.com/article/14655-handling-insecurity/