Sorry Charlie, You Don’t Have Haters: CCL #17

You have heard it all before.

                Someone always has to feel as if the world is against them. People must always express their feelings of being held down, denigrated, or downplayed. Sensible notes of struggle become a Stromboli filled with supple, yet subtle views of outer schadenfreude. Yet, there are probably some doubts if the situation is that serious. Regardless, many of us will always feel someone is watching us. 

                From this point, you can cue in the Michael Jackson chorus and 80’s music, you Rockwells. (Please note: Rockwell was a one hit wonder. Don’t follow in his footsteps. ) 

                At the end of it, people tend to feel that they have haters. I disagree. They won’t like that I disagree, though. However, some of these people will still post their Facey-Spacey statuses, Twitter Planet quips, or even write articles and emails about being “hated” on. Conclusively, many will still feel they have “haters” regardless. 

                This has led me to one of my more contrarian posts yet: The majority of you don’t have haters. 

                Yes, I had to take the time for this chocolate covered lie. Cause people are becoming bigger idiots by the second. 

Being “hated” vs. having “haters”

                Before even trying to think of having “haters”, please ask yourself: Do people want me to fail or is it that they don’t like me?

                I implore people to do this because that makes the biggest difference between being “hated” and having “haters”. One of Urban Dictionary’s definition of a “hater” is “A large group of people who have absolutely no calling in life except for dissing on everyone and everything around them because they have no understanding of being different” [1]. This wasn’t the most prominent definition, though. The most prominent one said “everyone on this site” [2]. Even still, people are not totally clear cut on the difference between “being hated” and “having haters”. 

                To keep this going, I will break down the difference: haters are people that try to downplay you, and everybody else, because of their level of success. In fact, haters are the ones that constantly live in a status of schadenfreude, which means to find joy in the misery of others [3]. Haters tend to be constantly surrounded by feelings of jealousy and/or envy. Yet, these emotions are consummate to the point of controlling their lives. With that understood, one must understand that many of those labeled “haters” may just be people that don’t like you. 

                Stinkmeaner from the Boondocks? Hater. 

                Your coworker that thinks you are an arrogant ass because you always doing something? Just doesn’t like you. Please respect the difference.

Why They May NOT Be Haters

                Another thing to understand is that even if someone is “hating” on you, does not mean they are “haters”. Yes, they are jealous of you. Yes, you have something they want. Yes, they think you are doing big things and want to be in your shoes. However, to be a hater, you have to do one thing: hate all day, every day, on everything. 

                This is the equivalent to saying someone that is mean to you is a “bitch”. Unless they are mean to the majority of the world, then they are just being a “bitch” to you. 

                Being a “hater” is all encompassing. You don’t turn it on and turn it off. Haters really work to knock everyone’s hustle. They find everything wrong with a situation and capitalize off of that. If they were in a forest, they would rather complain about the trees than witness the beauty of the green. To be a hater, their disregard for the exquisiteness and significance in anything must be second nature.

                So, before one labels someone a “hater”, they need to figure out are they really “haters” or are they “just doing some hater stuff”. 

Delusions of Grandeur

                There is nothing more annoying than people that think they have haters just because of a little humanistic adversity. 

                To keep things copasetic, there are plenty of people that HAVE haters. Your common famous basketball player has haters. President Obama has to chase the Tea Party off with a bipartisan stick (to my chagrin). Even Jesus had, and still has, haters. To be realistic, some of us will have people praying for our downfall. [Side note: praying for the downfall of Jesus is really oxymoronic. Highly. ]

                That doesn’t mean people are praying for your downfall. Yet, people do this to make themselves feel more important than they really are for the sake of one thing: hope for themselves. Hope is acquired once people reach a place of higher self-esteem and convinced that the relationships they have are loving and worthwhile [4]. People are constantly hoping that they can be accredited or loved for the person that they are. Yet, this isn’t how it always happens. Once someone does not reach that said acknowledgement, they tend to believe that people “hate” on them. 

                This acknowledgement of this situation even goes as far as the music we listen to. Jill Scott has a song that acknowledges the naysayers (“Hate on Me”). Marvin Sapp has received praise for “The Best in Me”, a song that deals with his desire to be happy that God loves him even when people do not. And you know many rappers from Lil Wayne to B.O.B will recognize the hater in their world. Honestly, some of the music that we listen to sheds light on the hater syndrome that does exist. 

                Yet, just because an artist feels they have haters does NOT mean YOU DO. Sure, you have someone that “hates” on you every now and then. Great. But does it make sense to turn it into a “shout out to all my haters” marathon every time you open your mouth or type? Are you actually important enough to other people to even be worthy of “hating”? Do your efforts actually motivate people to do something? If you died, would the world take notice (or at least the world that surrounds you in a 50 mile radius)?

                Sometimes, I really feel the answer is going to be “No”. For plenty of us that say “yes”, you need to realize that you may not be that important. It isn’t a bad thing. It is just how the cookie crumbles: messy with the need of clean up. 

The Point of It ALL

                To have haters, you have to understand three things. First thing to understand is that everyone isn’t a hater if they don’t like you. The second thing to realize is that haters hate because that is what they do all day and every day. The last thing to understand is that many of us aren’t important enough to have “haters”. In the end, find people that love you and let those that don’t like you do what they do. Life is short. Why concern yourself with people that aren’t going to help you get more out of it?

‘Nuff said and ‘Nuff respect!

               

               

[1] www.urbandictionary.com/haters

[2] www.urbandictionary.com/haters

[3] http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/schadenfreude

[4] http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html

The Victim: Your Man/Woman is Used or Abused...mentally (CCL 16)

Hey, my beautiful Chocolate Lie consumers! I don’t know if you all missed me. However, I did miss you all. It feels good to have people read your thoughts, whether it is 5 or 500 or 5,000. And as the world turns, there are still some lies to expose. 

            Today, I have to take on a certain individual whether they are male or female. On this wonderful day in August, I have noticed that there are more and more of this suspect type of human being in existence. Within this existence, the more they exist the more that other people resist them and what they offer. In the end, this self-made pariah never realizes their causal actions only hinder their position.

            And who is this person, you may ask? We all know them as the professional victim. 

            Which leads to my next Chocolate Covered Lie: you are the victim and it is everyone else’s fault. 

Why No One Likes a Victim

            To keep it honest and up front: no one wants to be around the negativity. Research has shown that negative thoughts, emotions, and pure pessimism and here is proof:

British and German researchers performed the most sophisticated study yet to tell. They strapped a heat-beaming device onto the legs of 22 healthy volunteers, zapping it until people rated their pain at nearly 70 on a scale of 1 to 100. Then the researchers hooked up an IV to give them the powerful morphine-like painkiller remifentanil. The volunteers' brains were scanned as they described how much pain, and pain relief, they experienced at different times. When the researchers induced the burn and surreptitiously turned on the drug, the volunteers said their pain improved a fair amount. The researchers next told the volunteers they were about to inject the painkiller even though they'd never turned it off. Those pain ratings dropped even more - meaning expectations of relief doubled the drug's painkilling benefit. Finally, the researchers lied again, saying they were stopping the drug and that pain would probably increase. Sure enough, the volunteers' pain levels soared back up to almost their pre-treated level as grim expectations canceled out the effect of a proven and potent painkiller. Anxiety levels fluctuated similarly. [1]

With this experiment, the placebo effect took place: the improvement of a medical condition when useless drugs are administered. Also, prolonged negativity can lead to other health ailments that deal with the heart and the brain (psychological)[2]. It is no wonder that negative people are unpopular: they are unhealthy.

            Another reason that people don’t want to be around the self-victimized is that they don’t take responsibility for their own successes and failures when/where they should. There is always something or someone that is holding them back. 99% of the time, it is something that is either irrelevant or non-circumstantial to making sure they do what they do. Yet and still, no responsibility is taken on their part. Rather, they would likely find blame in everyone/everything else.

            At the end of the day, their actions bring about nothing but failure because they are full of excuses. And excuses are tools of the incompetent that builds bridges that leads to nowhere. Understand that those that use them are masters of nothing and seldom accomplish anything.

You can quote me on that.

How the “victim” operates

            The victimized mind is always in search for something to show “Hey, I have been held back in life!” Yet, most of us really don’t want to hear it. Dr. Tara J. Palmatier noted the actions of the victimized individual (from the female’s perspective):

·         She never acknowledges when she hurts others

·         The victim must be victimized.

·         She blames others and circumstances for her own shortcomings or failures.

·         She admires and respects people who actually treat her badly. [3]

And I know we have all dealt with this person before in our lives. We all dealt with the harmful, deceitful “blame-game” person that actually respects people like them. Still, the victimized mindset is still a problem in and within itself.

Why does the victimized mind exist

            The victimized mind exists because of some sort of set-back, be it from abuse or neglect. When these situations occurred, then they were often blamed for the situation, man or woman [4]. Anything from sexual abuse to poverty has always been put square on the shoulders of those that suffer within those depleting parameters. Eventually, certain movements (civil rights and feminism) turned the tables to expose these inequities [5]. In the end, the victimized mind has seen set-backs just to realize that it wasn’t its entire fault.

            Another cause of the victimized mind is how society has played into the phenomenon. The philosophy of victimization is closely tied to what Amitai Etzioni, a sociologist at Georgetown University, called the 'rights industry [6].' “Rights industry” is a communal term for those who fight for the rights of groups, such as women, abused children, minorities, the homeless, and the like. Victimization is also at the heart of the legal system's approach, which attempts to respond to injustice and violations by identifying and prosecuting the perpetrators and compensating the victims [7]. Through it all, people are always ready to blame someone else; our society has made it easier for this to happen.   

    

How to overcome it all. 

            I could sit up here and say “Just get over it, chumpzilla”. However, that isn’t the proper way to address this serious situation. 

            There are a couple of ways to make sure that the victimized mindset doesn’t overcome oneself. Dr. Eric Dlugokinski, psychologist and professor at the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center, noted that “transcending the "psychology of victimization" requires determination, commitment and a recognition of reality, because if life is like a box of chocolates, as Forrest Gump says, then blame is like a boomerang” [8]. A person has to do some soul searching to figure out that they can’t be a victim for the rest of their lives. Becoming responsible also helps because it helps one realize that they are in control of their lives more than they let on [9]. In turn, figuring things out and taking the blame for certain parts of one’s life can deter the victimized mentality. 

At the End of the Day

            Many of us want to point the finger at others. We would rather listen to Kanye West and John Legend make songs about “The Blame Game” than accept responsibility. We would rather have Chris Rock entertain the female while she constantly repeats “Yeezy taught me!”. Yet, we haven’t taken the time to realize some of our situations have to do more with our actions and less to do with finger pointing. Some say “when you point one finger at someone, you point three back at yourself”. I got a better saying: “when you point one finger at someone, you are too missing the point of it all: personal responsibility”. 

‘Nuff said and ‘Nuff respect!

[1] http://www.hutchnews.com/Healthfitness/HealthStudy2011-03-09T20-56-53
[2] http://www.dmedicalplans.com/health-and-negativity-how-negative-emotions-harm-your-health.html
[3] http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/27/is-your-girlfriend-or-wife-a-professional-victim/
[4] http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html
[5] http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html
[6] http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html
[7] http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html
[8] http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4182/is_19950524/ai_n10082360/
[9] http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4182/is_19950524/ai_n10082360/